Christmas Rant #14 - New Kids on the Block
Definition of Rant: (dialect British) a rousing good time.
(In the foyer of the Riggs Bros Theatre, a list field has been set up, portable wooden posts strung between with pennant decked ropes. Jesse circles a pell with a rattan sword, striking it to an offbeat rhythm, high, high, low, mid, high, high, low. Whether by subtle footwork or some devilry, Jesse’s position seems to blur before each low strike.)
(Jordan enters the front doors and stops outside the list field barrier, watching his brother work for a moment.)
Jordan: Are you meaning to do that?
Jesse: (pausing) Do what?
Jordan: That plane shift, or whatever it is, before each low strike.
Jesse: It just happens when I go to hit people on the inner thigh.
Jordan: Is that fair?
Jesse: Until they find me a nanny, yes.
Jordan: Fair enough. Speaking of children.
Jesse: Were we?
Jordan: We were about to.
Jesse: Carry on then.
Jordan: So my wife and I really thought Shepherd was super cute and all around amazing when the family was all together last Christmas.
Jesse: You can have him any time you want.
Jordan: No, I -
Jesse: Seriously. Or come by any time, he loves visitors.
Jordan: No, we wanted one of our own.
Jesse: Cloning a Riggs is expressly condemned by the Hague.
Jordan: We had a baby!
Jesse: What?!
Jordan: We sent you an announcement.
Jesse: I don’t open my mail, you know that.
(Jordan throws up his hands in frustration and turns away.)
Jordan: Is Ethan here?
(Just then a paper airplane made from a baby announcement strikes Jordan in the forehead. Ethan stands in the closing doorway, cold wind whipping a completely gratuitous cloak around as he points an accusatory finger at Jordan.)
Ethan: You had a baby!
Jordan: Courtney had a baby, but yes.
Ethan: Don't go shifting the blame!
Jordan: Obviously I had something to do with it!
(The video pauses and now we can see that Jesse, Ethan, and Jordan are seated in the Little Theatre watching remarkably cinematic security cam footage.)
Jesse: Huh… Why don’t I remember any of that?
Jordan: You’ve got a three-year-old and a one-year-old.
Jesse: I do?
Jordan: Stop that.
Jesse: Sorry.
Ethan: Honestly though, this is remarkably cinematic security footage. Why do we do this? And why does it look like Edgar Wright was the director?
(Jesse gestures to a trio of small drones hovering around, mounted with HD cameras.)
Jesse: We're recording our story. Stories are important. They have power and impart truth.
Jordan: (wry look) Our story imparts truth?
Jesse: It fixes our identity in time and literature. We live in a world full of people literally losing their personhood. They’ve lost themselves, they don't know who they are.
Ethan: And we know who we are?
(The video pauses and now we see that the preceding was footage being viewed by the Riggs Brothers on a TV in the theatre's break room.)
Jordan: Ah, that's where we left off because of the reindeer attack..
Jesse: This is more Danny Boyle than Edgar Wright.
Ethan: You're right though. People are so terribly lost. Constantly encouraged to love themselves and do what feels best, and they find themselves depressed and anxious. Almost as if self-love and personal gratification aren’t the answer, but are, in fact, the culprits.
Jordan: Are we going to hunt down the demons of Self-Love and Personal Gratification?
Jesse: We can’t get at the demons themselves, but we could definitely kick down the doors of a few of their more vocal proponents.
(Cut to a windy skyscraper rooftop, the Riggs Brothers preparing to rappel over the edge. They shout to be heard over the wind.)
Jordan: Is this Olsteen’s headquarters, or Oprah’s?
Jesse: I don’t remember! Does it matter?
Jordan: I prepared different pamphlets to drop!
Ethan: You’re both having serious memory issues!
Jesse and Jordan: It’s the baby’s fault!
Ethan: We already visited Olsteen and Oprah! This is Rian Johnson’s loft… Why are we here?
(Jesse and Jordan just glare angrily.)
Ethan: Oh right, The Last Jedi.
Jesse: J.J. Abrams is next on the list!
Jordan: We’re gonna torch his couch, but leave his refrigerator full of fine wine!
Ethan: That makes sense, somehow!
(Now back to the Little Theatre, where the Riggs Brothers watch footage of the raid on Rian Johnson’s loft.)
Ethan: I’m not sure we should have gone after Rian.
Jesse: He admitted in 2012 he hates writing his own scripts; he should have known better.
Jordan: We’ve gotten a little sidetracked.
Jesse: That’s our story. Sidetracked, constantly
Ethan: But why do we do these things? What’s our motivation? Why do we record it all?
Jesse: There are deeper truths hidden in what we do. Anyone watching just has to dig a little.
Ethan: Are you saying it’s open to interpretation?
Jesse: Not in the broad sense, no.
Jordan: We just leave little windows into our minds.
Jesse: Exactly. I can only hope a spark of the divine shines through our mortal attempts at humor and wild abandon.
Ethan: But you hate transcendentalists.
Jesse: (frowns darkly) Only because all my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients.
(A clever bit of editing shifts Jesse from his seat in the Little Theatre to a high mountaintop, where he sits on a throne of snow. A wide shot shows Ethan and Jordan seated to his left. They look out over the land, their view somehow encompassing more than a camera can show.)
Jordan: Why don’t we just tell it to them straight?
Ethan: Not our style.
Jesse: Iceberg theory.
Jordan: Hemingway was an ass, as Shakespeare would say.
(Jesse gives an amused snort. All three brothers look weary and worn out. Their attire blends ancient, old, and new, as worn out as they look.)
Jesse: And what will they say of us?
Ethan: Nothing, if the non-disclosure agreements hold.
(The sky lights up with fireworks celebrating the arrival of 2020.)
Jesse: We’ll just fight our good fight, quietly.
Jordan: May we act above reproach.
Ethan: May our children know God.
(Jordan and Jesse turn their heads and raise eyebrows.)
Ethan: (catches himself) Your children. Yours. Sorry, caught up in the moment. Just riffing.
Jordan: Oh, thank goodness. I just got done filing the paperwork on Jacen.
Jesse: (to Jordan) You had a baby?!
Ethan: (shaking his head) I hope they believe our stories, because the truth is so strange.
(Now we see the Riggs Brothers back in the break room, reviewing the footage of a mountaintop scuffle between Jordan and Jesse as they shout about treaties, weapons tariffs, and baby shower invitations.)
Jesse: This was boring.
Jordan: Yep.
Ethan: Should we fix it?
Jesse: (nodding, looking determined) We can do better. 2020 won’t know what hit it.
(End rant.)
Definition of Rant: (dialect British) a rousing good time.
(In the foyer of the Riggs Bros Theatre, a list field has been set up, portable wooden posts strung between with pennant decked ropes. Jesse circles a pell with a rattan sword, striking it to an offbeat rhythm, high, high, low, mid, high, high, low. Whether by subtle footwork or some devilry, Jesse’s position seems to blur before each low strike.)
(Jordan enters the front doors and stops outside the list field barrier, watching his brother work for a moment.)
Jordan: Are you meaning to do that?
Jesse: (pausing) Do what?
Jordan: That plane shift, or whatever it is, before each low strike.
Jesse: It just happens when I go to hit people on the inner thigh.
Jordan: Is that fair?
Jesse: Until they find me a nanny, yes.
Jordan: Fair enough. Speaking of children.
Jesse: Were we?
Jordan: We were about to.
Jesse: Carry on then.
Jordan: So my wife and I really thought Shepherd was super cute and all around amazing when the family was all together last Christmas.
Jesse: You can have him any time you want.
Jordan: No, I -
Jesse: Seriously. Or come by any time, he loves visitors.
Jordan: No, we wanted one of our own.
Jesse: Cloning a Riggs is expressly condemned by the Hague.
Jordan: We had a baby!
Jesse: What?!
Jordan: We sent you an announcement.
Jesse: I don’t open my mail, you know that.
(Jordan throws up his hands in frustration and turns away.)
Jordan: Is Ethan here?
(Just then a paper airplane made from a baby announcement strikes Jordan in the forehead. Ethan stands in the closing doorway, cold wind whipping a completely gratuitous cloak around as he points an accusatory finger at Jordan.)
Ethan: You had a baby!
Jordan: Courtney had a baby, but yes.
Ethan: Don't go shifting the blame!
Jordan: Obviously I had something to do with it!
(The video pauses and now we can see that Jesse, Ethan, and Jordan are seated in the Little Theatre watching remarkably cinematic security cam footage.)
Jesse: Huh… Why don’t I remember any of that?
Jordan: You’ve got a three-year-old and a one-year-old.
Jesse: I do?
Jordan: Stop that.
Jesse: Sorry.
Ethan: Honestly though, this is remarkably cinematic security footage. Why do we do this? And why does it look like Edgar Wright was the director?
(Jesse gestures to a trio of small drones hovering around, mounted with HD cameras.)
Jesse: We're recording our story. Stories are important. They have power and impart truth.
Jordan: (wry look) Our story imparts truth?
Jesse: It fixes our identity in time and literature. We live in a world full of people literally losing their personhood. They’ve lost themselves, they don't know who they are.
Ethan: And we know who we are?
(The video pauses and now we see that the preceding was footage being viewed by the Riggs Brothers on a TV in the theatre's break room.)
Jordan: Ah, that's where we left off because of the reindeer attack..
Jesse: This is more Danny Boyle than Edgar Wright.
Ethan: You're right though. People are so terribly lost. Constantly encouraged to love themselves and do what feels best, and they find themselves depressed and anxious. Almost as if self-love and personal gratification aren’t the answer, but are, in fact, the culprits.
Jordan: Are we going to hunt down the demons of Self-Love and Personal Gratification?
Jesse: We can’t get at the demons themselves, but we could definitely kick down the doors of a few of their more vocal proponents.
(Cut to a windy skyscraper rooftop, the Riggs Brothers preparing to rappel over the edge. They shout to be heard over the wind.)
Jordan: Is this Olsteen’s headquarters, or Oprah’s?
Jesse: I don’t remember! Does it matter?
Jordan: I prepared different pamphlets to drop!
Ethan: You’re both having serious memory issues!
Jesse and Jordan: It’s the baby’s fault!
Ethan: We already visited Olsteen and Oprah! This is Rian Johnson’s loft… Why are we here?
(Jesse and Jordan just glare angrily.)
Ethan: Oh right, The Last Jedi.
Jesse: J.J. Abrams is next on the list!
Jordan: We’re gonna torch his couch, but leave his refrigerator full of fine wine!
Ethan: That makes sense, somehow!
(Now back to the Little Theatre, where the Riggs Brothers watch footage of the raid on Rian Johnson’s loft.)
Ethan: I’m not sure we should have gone after Rian.
Jesse: He admitted in 2012 he hates writing his own scripts; he should have known better.
Jordan: We’ve gotten a little sidetracked.
Jesse: That’s our story. Sidetracked, constantly
Ethan: But why do we do these things? What’s our motivation? Why do we record it all?
Jesse: There are deeper truths hidden in what we do. Anyone watching just has to dig a little.
Ethan: Are you saying it’s open to interpretation?
Jesse: Not in the broad sense, no.
Jordan: We just leave little windows into our minds.
Jesse: Exactly. I can only hope a spark of the divine shines through our mortal attempts at humor and wild abandon.
Ethan: But you hate transcendentalists.
Jesse: (frowns darkly) Only because all my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients.
(A clever bit of editing shifts Jesse from his seat in the Little Theatre to a high mountaintop, where he sits on a throne of snow. A wide shot shows Ethan and Jordan seated to his left. They look out over the land, their view somehow encompassing more than a camera can show.)
Jordan: Why don’t we just tell it to them straight?
Ethan: Not our style.
Jesse: Iceberg theory.
Jordan: Hemingway was an ass, as Shakespeare would say.
(Jesse gives an amused snort. All three brothers look weary and worn out. Their attire blends ancient, old, and new, as worn out as they look.)
Jesse: And what will they say of us?
Ethan: Nothing, if the non-disclosure agreements hold.
(The sky lights up with fireworks celebrating the arrival of 2020.)
Jesse: We’ll just fight our good fight, quietly.
Jordan: May we act above reproach.
Ethan: May our children know God.
(Jordan and Jesse turn their heads and raise eyebrows.)
Ethan: (catches himself) Your children. Yours. Sorry, caught up in the moment. Just riffing.
Jordan: Oh, thank goodness. I just got done filing the paperwork on Jacen.
Jesse: (to Jordan) You had a baby?!
Ethan: (shaking his head) I hope they believe our stories, because the truth is so strange.
(Now we see the Riggs Brothers back in the break room, reviewing the footage of a mountaintop scuffle between Jordan and Jesse as they shout about treaties, weapons tariffs, and baby shower invitations.)
Jesse: This was boring.
Jordan: Yep.
Ethan: Should we fix it?
Jesse: (nodding, looking determined) We can do better. 2020 won’t know what hit it.
(End rant.)