Christmas Rant #3
(After hearing Jingle Bells for the 18th time this day.)
Jordan: Shoot me… please.
Jesse: That will not solve my problem.
Jordan: I don’t care about your problem.
Jesse: We should write new Christmas songs.
Jordan: How does that solve our problem? It’s still Christmas songs.
Jesse: But these will be Riggs Brothers’ Christmas songs.
Jordan: Like ‘Deck the…’ no, wait… ’Deck Everybody!’
Jesse: Parodies are not what I had in mind.
Jordan: Ooh, making it difficult.
Jesse: Not too difficult. We don’t have to have music. Just lyrics. The people reading can’t hear.
Jordan: People reading? What are you talking about?
Jesse: I have no clue.
Both: *look at each other* *long pause*
Jesse: Christmas songs.
Jordan: Riggs Brothers’ Christmas songs.
Jesse: Right.
Jordan: Hmm…
Jesse: Got one. Anthrax In My Christmas Cards.
Jordan: *chuckles*
Jesse: I’ll start.
“Anthrax In My Christmas Cards” by The Riggs Brothers
Jesse:
During this Christmas season,
I did some secret dealings
And yes I know it was my fault,
Some buildings lost their ceilings
Jordan:
My handler wasn’t happy
The mailman quite upset
When with my Christmas greetings
Came the result of a misplaced bet.
Jesse:
He bet I couldn’t make the shot
Right through the concrete wall
Indeed I missed, alarms rang out
And we ran off one and all
Both:
Don’t know how they got my address
Don’t know how they learned my name
But it’s clear they do not like me and my antics are to blame
There’s anthrax in my Christmas cards
And bombs beneath my tree.
If I survive till New Years, what a miracle that will be.
Ethan: Hey guys, what’s up?
Jesse: We’re writing Christmas songs.
Ethan: What have you got so far.
Jesse: *refers him to farther up the page*
Ethan: That’s fantastic! But where’s the second verse?
Jordan: Verse two?
Ethan: Sure, something like…
Through the whirling snow and ice
As quick as Santa’s sleigh
A horde of henchmen came to my home
At noon on Christmas day
Jesse:
There was a grand old firefight
Flames rising red and green
A festive burst of hand grenades
Like I have never seen
Ethan:
The Yuletide tree a burning log
The Christmas ham quite charred
With no respect for peace on Earth
The silent night was marred
All:
Don’t know how they got my address
Don’t know how they learned my name
But it’s clear they do not like me and my antics are to blame
There’s arsenic in the eggnog
Nitroglycerin in the goose.
If I survive till Boxing Day, I may escape the noose.
Don’t know how they got my address
Don’t know how they learned my name
But it’s clear they do not like me and my antics are to blame
There’s anthrax in my Christmas cards
And bombs beneath my tree.
If I survive till New Years, what a miracle that will be.
The end.
Jesse: Let’s hire a songwriter to put some music to it.
Jordan: To Carnegie Hall then?
Ethan: Seems like a logical place to start.
Jesse: I’ll go get the Hummer.
Jordan: And I’ll pack some snacks.
(After hearing Jingle Bells for the 18th time this day.)
Jordan: Shoot me… please.
Jesse: That will not solve my problem.
Jordan: I don’t care about your problem.
Jesse: We should write new Christmas songs.
Jordan: How does that solve our problem? It’s still Christmas songs.
Jesse: But these will be Riggs Brothers’ Christmas songs.
Jordan: Like ‘Deck the…’ no, wait… ’Deck Everybody!’
Jesse: Parodies are not what I had in mind.
Jordan: Ooh, making it difficult.
Jesse: Not too difficult. We don’t have to have music. Just lyrics. The people reading can’t hear.
Jordan: People reading? What are you talking about?
Jesse: I have no clue.
Both: *look at each other* *long pause*
Jesse: Christmas songs.
Jordan: Riggs Brothers’ Christmas songs.
Jesse: Right.
Jordan: Hmm…
Jesse: Got one. Anthrax In My Christmas Cards.
Jordan: *chuckles*
Jesse: I’ll start.
“Anthrax In My Christmas Cards” by The Riggs Brothers
Jesse:
During this Christmas season,
I did some secret dealings
And yes I know it was my fault,
Some buildings lost their ceilings
Jordan:
My handler wasn’t happy
The mailman quite upset
When with my Christmas greetings
Came the result of a misplaced bet.
Jesse:
He bet I couldn’t make the shot
Right through the concrete wall
Indeed I missed, alarms rang out
And we ran off one and all
Both:
Don’t know how they got my address
Don’t know how they learned my name
But it’s clear they do not like me and my antics are to blame
There’s anthrax in my Christmas cards
And bombs beneath my tree.
If I survive till New Years, what a miracle that will be.
Ethan: Hey guys, what’s up?
Jesse: We’re writing Christmas songs.
Ethan: What have you got so far.
Jesse: *refers him to farther up the page*
Ethan: That’s fantastic! But where’s the second verse?
Jordan: Verse two?
Ethan: Sure, something like…
Through the whirling snow and ice
As quick as Santa’s sleigh
A horde of henchmen came to my home
At noon on Christmas day
Jesse:
There was a grand old firefight
Flames rising red and green
A festive burst of hand grenades
Like I have never seen
Ethan:
The Yuletide tree a burning log
The Christmas ham quite charred
With no respect for peace on Earth
The silent night was marred
All:
Don’t know how they got my address
Don’t know how they learned my name
But it’s clear they do not like me and my antics are to blame
There’s arsenic in the eggnog
Nitroglycerin in the goose.
If I survive till Boxing Day, I may escape the noose.
Don’t know how they got my address
Don’t know how they learned my name
But it’s clear they do not like me and my antics are to blame
There’s anthrax in my Christmas cards
And bombs beneath my tree.
If I survive till New Years, what a miracle that will be.
The end.
Jesse: Let’s hire a songwriter to put some music to it.
Jordan: To Carnegie Hall then?
Ethan: Seems like a logical place to start.
Jesse: I’ll go get the Hummer.
Jordan: And I’ll pack some snacks.