New Years Rant #12 - For Want of a White Hind
Definition of Rant: (dialect British) a rousing good time.
(January 7, 2018, the Feast of Epiphany, post-post-revel, the Riggs Brothers have returned to the Riggs Brothers Theatre for the evening.)
(Jesse works the concession stand, idly filling popcorn bags and setting them out on the counter, quietly singing “This Is The New Year” by Great Big World. Kim is working on the soda machine, producing far more sparks and smoke than a beverage machine ought to emit.)
Kim: It’s weird to hear you sing that.
Jesse: Hmm?
Kim: That line. “I will give the world to you.” When you sing it it sounds like you really mean it and could do so.
(Jesse smirks a bit, earning an exasperated huff from Kim.)
Kim: Someday I’ll find out where you were born.
Jesse: ‘When’ is probably more important.
(Kim glares and goes back to work on the machine. Jordan enters the lobby from a storage room, pulling a large contraption that resembles a cannon. He parks it in front of the concessions stand and begins to load bags of popcorn into a chute.)
Jordan: Thanks for filling these.
Jesse: Sure. We need to use up this popcorn anyway, it expires soon.
Jordan: Popcorn expires?
Jesse:Do you remember when we acquired this?
Jordan: Was a train involved?
Jesse: It was.
Jordan: I do remember! Wow, yea, I’m surprised it lasted this long.
Jesse: We have a good freezer. Especially after we installed the temporal chiller.
Jordan: (visibly upset) Yea, I don’t go in there anymore.
(Jordan loads the last popcorn bag and begins to wheel away the cannon.)
Jesse: What are you doing with that, by the way?
Jordan: The angst bats have been getting bad in the breakroom.
Jesse: Happy hunting.
(Jordan passes Ethan coming from the other direction.)
Ethan: Bats?
Jordan: Yea.
Ethan: Good hunting.
(Ethan walks by the soda machine, casually ducking a spout of flame from the misaligned spigot Kim has been trying to fix. Kim curses colorfully and douses it with the fire extinguisher she already had on hand. Ethan joins Jesse at the concessions counter where Jesse has begun constructing a pyramid of popcorn buckets.)
Ethan: We’re in a slump.
Jesse: (looks around the empty theatre) Business is a bit slow.
Ethan: (snorts) Business? Showing movies and hosting plays is our hobby, at best. At worst I think it’s just what we do to irritate Kim.
Kim: I heard that!
Jesse: What kind of slump do you mean?
Ethan: The general kind. Creatively, antagonistically, productivity… spiritually, probably, too.
Jesse: (performs a flawless cup-stacking trick with the large popcorn buckets) Hmm… yea, you’re probably right. I’ve spent way too long practicing this. What do you propose we do about it?
Ethan: A quest.
Jesse: Who’s going to give us a quest? Merlin refuses to speak to us.
Ethan: Hmmm… and the CIA is in a hiring freeze.
Kim: You could make up your own quest! Please, get out of the theatre for a few days! Or weeks.
Ethan: That’s not really how quests work, Kim.
Jesse: A quest has to be given, otherwise it’s just an objective.
Kim: What is the difference?!
Ethan: No one is going to set themselves an objective that involves mortal danger.
Kim: You’re all mad.
Jesse: We could ask our friends and family. Surely someone has a quest they need undertaken.
Ethan: I’m not doing anyone’s laundry.
Kim: (sardonic) Well, that wouldn’t be very life-threatening would it?
Ethan: You don’t know our cousins.
(From down the hallway, rapid cannonfire can be heard as Jordan engages in battle with the angst bats in the breakroom.)
Ethan: He’s going to have a tough time of it. They’d started organizing into clans last week and were building fortifications.
Jesse: Well, he has a lot of ammunition.
(Kim uses a very large wrench to tighten down a final bolt and then hops down off the machine. She watches Ethan watch Jesse as he starts back up with the popcorn buckets again. Finally, she can’t take it anymore.)
Kim: FINE! I’ll give you a quest. Go find a quest so you don’t have to hang around here making me crazy!
(Jesse pauses mid cup-trick, revealing he’s probably cheating with some kind of static electricity generator, and he and Ethan exchange looks.)
Jesse: Can she do that?
Ethan: I guess… I mean, I don’t see why not.
Jesse: A quest to find a quest?
Ethan: Kinda meta.
Jesse: That sketch hasn’t been filmed yet, don’t go spoiling anything.
Ethan: What?
Jesse: Wut?
(They spend a moment listening to the sound of popcorn-cannon fire, now interspersed with howls from Jordan.)
Ethan: I think he’s losing.
Jesse: Yea…
(They exchange another look before springing into action.)
Jesse: Kim, we’ll take the quest. Ethan, bring a vehicle around front.
Ethan: Which one?
Jesse: Something comfy.
Ethan: On it.
Jesse: Kim, you’re in charge till we get back.
Kim: (exasperated) There is literally no one else for the job.
Jesse: And if Edgar Wright drops by, tell him I want the movie to look exactly like the trailer. A two hour action-packed rhythm adventure, like Donkey Kong Jungle Beat, but, you know, good.
Kim: You have never played that game.
Jesse: You got me there. (He raises his omnitool bracer and radios Jordan) Hey bro, we’ve got a quest. Kim sent us to find a quest.
Jordan: (shouting via radio) A quest to find a quest? (cannonfire) Isn’t that kind of meta?
Jesse: I don’t think we’re using that word correctly. Are you ready to leave?
Jordan: (via radio) Umm… the bats…
Jesse: Yea, we could hear. Kim can take care of it.
Kim: What? What am I taking care of?!
Jordan: (via radio) Oh good, I’ll be right out.
Kim: You guys just snowed me, didn’t you?
(Jesse winks and disappears through the hidden revolving door behind the popcorn machine. He returns from the so called WarDrobe a few moments later, carrying his own gear and a second set which he tosses to Jordan, who has just arrived back in the lobby, moving at a full sprint. Together they run for the doors, shouting to Kim.)
Jesse: Text us if you need anything!
Jordan: Your shotgun is back under the ticket counter.
Jesse: And don’t take any wooden nickels!
(The doors swing shut behind their exit. Kim stands, hands on hips, glowering until the doors warp slightly. From the direction of the breakroom can be heard tiny, squeaking, bloodthirsty chants and the fluttering of many wings. She turns to face the chanting, eyes glinting dangerously.)
(Outside, in a very plush Toyota Highlander, the Riggs Brothers pull away from the Theatre, tires squealing.)
Jordan: So a quest, huh?
Jesse: A quest to find a quest.
Jordan: (grimaces) ...We’re off to find our purpose in life, aren’t we?
Ethan: Everybody has to eventually.
Jordan: Kind of cliché isn’t it?
(Jesse punches a random set of coordinates into the onboard GPS. The computer grumbles unhappily.)
Jesse: Growing up is tough.
Definition of Rant: (dialect British) a rousing good time.
(January 7, 2018, the Feast of Epiphany, post-post-revel, the Riggs Brothers have returned to the Riggs Brothers Theatre for the evening.)
(Jesse works the concession stand, idly filling popcorn bags and setting them out on the counter, quietly singing “This Is The New Year” by Great Big World. Kim is working on the soda machine, producing far more sparks and smoke than a beverage machine ought to emit.)
Kim: It’s weird to hear you sing that.
Jesse: Hmm?
Kim: That line. “I will give the world to you.” When you sing it it sounds like you really mean it and could do so.
(Jesse smirks a bit, earning an exasperated huff from Kim.)
Kim: Someday I’ll find out where you were born.
Jesse: ‘When’ is probably more important.
(Kim glares and goes back to work on the machine. Jordan enters the lobby from a storage room, pulling a large contraption that resembles a cannon. He parks it in front of the concessions stand and begins to load bags of popcorn into a chute.)
Jordan: Thanks for filling these.
Jesse: Sure. We need to use up this popcorn anyway, it expires soon.
Jordan: Popcorn expires?
Jesse:Do you remember when we acquired this?
Jordan: Was a train involved?
Jesse: It was.
Jordan: I do remember! Wow, yea, I’m surprised it lasted this long.
Jesse: We have a good freezer. Especially after we installed the temporal chiller.
Jordan: (visibly upset) Yea, I don’t go in there anymore.
(Jordan loads the last popcorn bag and begins to wheel away the cannon.)
Jesse: What are you doing with that, by the way?
Jordan: The angst bats have been getting bad in the breakroom.
Jesse: Happy hunting.
(Jordan passes Ethan coming from the other direction.)
Ethan: Bats?
Jordan: Yea.
Ethan: Good hunting.
(Ethan walks by the soda machine, casually ducking a spout of flame from the misaligned spigot Kim has been trying to fix. Kim curses colorfully and douses it with the fire extinguisher she already had on hand. Ethan joins Jesse at the concessions counter where Jesse has begun constructing a pyramid of popcorn buckets.)
Ethan: We’re in a slump.
Jesse: (looks around the empty theatre) Business is a bit slow.
Ethan: (snorts) Business? Showing movies and hosting plays is our hobby, at best. At worst I think it’s just what we do to irritate Kim.
Kim: I heard that!
Jesse: What kind of slump do you mean?
Ethan: The general kind. Creatively, antagonistically, productivity… spiritually, probably, too.
Jesse: (performs a flawless cup-stacking trick with the large popcorn buckets) Hmm… yea, you’re probably right. I’ve spent way too long practicing this. What do you propose we do about it?
Ethan: A quest.
Jesse: Who’s going to give us a quest? Merlin refuses to speak to us.
Ethan: Hmmm… and the CIA is in a hiring freeze.
Kim: You could make up your own quest! Please, get out of the theatre for a few days! Or weeks.
Ethan: That’s not really how quests work, Kim.
Jesse: A quest has to be given, otherwise it’s just an objective.
Kim: What is the difference?!
Ethan: No one is going to set themselves an objective that involves mortal danger.
Kim: You’re all mad.
Jesse: We could ask our friends and family. Surely someone has a quest they need undertaken.
Ethan: I’m not doing anyone’s laundry.
Kim: (sardonic) Well, that wouldn’t be very life-threatening would it?
Ethan: You don’t know our cousins.
(From down the hallway, rapid cannonfire can be heard as Jordan engages in battle with the angst bats in the breakroom.)
Ethan: He’s going to have a tough time of it. They’d started organizing into clans last week and were building fortifications.
Jesse: Well, he has a lot of ammunition.
(Kim uses a very large wrench to tighten down a final bolt and then hops down off the machine. She watches Ethan watch Jesse as he starts back up with the popcorn buckets again. Finally, she can’t take it anymore.)
Kim: FINE! I’ll give you a quest. Go find a quest so you don’t have to hang around here making me crazy!
(Jesse pauses mid cup-trick, revealing he’s probably cheating with some kind of static electricity generator, and he and Ethan exchange looks.)
Jesse: Can she do that?
Ethan: I guess… I mean, I don’t see why not.
Jesse: A quest to find a quest?
Ethan: Kinda meta.
Jesse: That sketch hasn’t been filmed yet, don’t go spoiling anything.
Ethan: What?
Jesse: Wut?
(They spend a moment listening to the sound of popcorn-cannon fire, now interspersed with howls from Jordan.)
Ethan: I think he’s losing.
Jesse: Yea…
(They exchange another look before springing into action.)
Jesse: Kim, we’ll take the quest. Ethan, bring a vehicle around front.
Ethan: Which one?
Jesse: Something comfy.
Ethan: On it.
Jesse: Kim, you’re in charge till we get back.
Kim: (exasperated) There is literally no one else for the job.
Jesse: And if Edgar Wright drops by, tell him I want the movie to look exactly like the trailer. A two hour action-packed rhythm adventure, like Donkey Kong Jungle Beat, but, you know, good.
Kim: You have never played that game.
Jesse: You got me there. (He raises his omnitool bracer and radios Jordan) Hey bro, we’ve got a quest. Kim sent us to find a quest.
Jordan: (shouting via radio) A quest to find a quest? (cannonfire) Isn’t that kind of meta?
Jesse: I don’t think we’re using that word correctly. Are you ready to leave?
Jordan: (via radio) Umm… the bats…
Jesse: Yea, we could hear. Kim can take care of it.
Kim: What? What am I taking care of?!
Jordan: (via radio) Oh good, I’ll be right out.
Kim: You guys just snowed me, didn’t you?
(Jesse winks and disappears through the hidden revolving door behind the popcorn machine. He returns from the so called WarDrobe a few moments later, carrying his own gear and a second set which he tosses to Jordan, who has just arrived back in the lobby, moving at a full sprint. Together they run for the doors, shouting to Kim.)
Jesse: Text us if you need anything!
Jordan: Your shotgun is back under the ticket counter.
Jesse: And don’t take any wooden nickels!
(The doors swing shut behind their exit. Kim stands, hands on hips, glowering until the doors warp slightly. From the direction of the breakroom can be heard tiny, squeaking, bloodthirsty chants and the fluttering of many wings. She turns to face the chanting, eyes glinting dangerously.)
(Outside, in a very plush Toyota Highlander, the Riggs Brothers pull away from the Theatre, tires squealing.)
Jordan: So a quest, huh?
Jesse: A quest to find a quest.
Jordan: (grimaces) ...We’re off to find our purpose in life, aren’t we?
Ethan: Everybody has to eventually.
Jordan: Kind of cliché isn’t it?
(Jesse punches a random set of coordinates into the onboard GPS. The computer grumbles unhappily.)
Jesse: Growing up is tough.