Riggs Brothers’ Christmas Rant #6
(Definition of Rant - [dialect British] a rousing good time)
*the 20th of December, A.D. 2012*
*Jesse, Ethan, and Jordan are standing on the stage of the Riggs Bros. Old Theatre. Ethan and Jesse are dressed in the elven armour of Middle Earth, but Jordan misread the memo and is wearing the silly looking outfit of one of Santa’s elves as portrayed by modern media. A large whiteboard behind them reads “Doomsday Prevention Plan."*
Jesse: Speaking of time travel...
Jordan: Were we talking about time travel?
Ethan: We were about to, as I understand it.
Jordan: About to when?
Ethan: *snarky* Recently.
Jesse: Stop that.
*lights flicker*
Jesse: Speaking of time travel...
Jordan: Were we talking about time travel?
Ethan: We were about to, as I understand it.
Jordan: About to when... Wait a minute. What just happened?
Jesse: *looks at his watch* Is today Friday?
Ethan: All day. Why do you ask?
Jesse: *to himself* Gotta remember to wind this thing.
Jordan: I bought you that watch, it has a battery.
*lights flicker*
All: *now wearing wild party gear* Happy New Christmas!
Ethan: *looking at his outfit* I thought gingham went out of style years ago.
Jesse: Nah, ya look good.
Ethan: I look like a tablecloth. Lay me down and have a picnic.
Jesse: That particular gingham has more of a Scottish feel.
Jordan: *heavy Scottish accent* Ach, mah Gingham style!
*all three break into the horse dance as the music erupts*
All: *sing* Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, bonny lady.
*lights flicker*
Ethan: *singing* Ripped jeans, skin was showin’, hot night wind was blowin'. Where ya think you're goin’ baby?!
*lights flicker*
All: Christmas!
Jordan: Falalalala...lala...la... *breaks down crying*
Jesse: We have to get a handle on this time ratchet.
Ethan: *bangs a peculiar looking ratchet against the table*
Jordan: Worst Christmas gift ever.
Ethan: How do you turn down a gift from Steve Jobs?
Jesse: You remember that he's dead, and that he was a selfish jerk when he was alive.
Jordan: Saving the world is hard enough every year without you opening the door everytime someone knocks. Not advisable in our line of work.
Ethan: But the turtleneck sweater...
*lights flicker*
*Ethan is standing next to two Jordan's*
Jordan: *notices himself* Ahhh! *dive tackles himself*
*Jesse walks back on*
Jesse: We've got to stop this.
Ethan: Eh, let 'em fight it out.
Jesse: I meant the wibbly wobbly timey whimey stuff.
Ethan: Is that technical jargon for what is happening? This ratchet is fighting back.
*the ratchet is suddenly snatched from Ethan’s hand by Jordan, who promptly thwacks Jordan across the head with it*
*lights flicker*
*There is only one Jordan, and he is holding a broken ratchet. The floor is covered in hay. Ethan snatches the ratchet from Jordan*
Ethan: (to Jordan) You killed it!
Jordan: He had it coming!
Ethan: I meant the ratchet!
Male Voice: Shhh! You'll wake the baby!
Jesse: What baby?
*All turn to discover a mother and father standing over a baby in a manger. There are what appear to be several relatives of the couple standing around as well.*
*all three Riggs men tilt their heads, confusion apparent*
*sudden realization hits all three*
Jesse: Oh my gosh!
*all hit the ground, kneeling and bowing, faces in the dirt*
Ethan: (whispering) If we get mentioned in the Bible there will be no living it down.
Jordan: (suppressed chuckle) The Three Wise-Guys.
Jesse: (hissing) As long as we’re quiet and get out of here quickly we shouldn't have a problem.
*all three start scooting toward the exit, still with faces to the ground*
Man by the Manger: Are you shepherds?
Jordan: I can’t even keep fish alive. *gets hit by Ethan*
Jesse: *still kneeling* Travelers. We saw the star. We’ll be going now, sorry to disturb you.
Woman by the Manger: You knew what the star meant?
Jordan: *standing* We’re writing a book on it. *Ethan stares at him, horrified*
Jesse: (urgent, to Ethan) Make the ratchet do something. Now.
Ethan: *glances at Jesse, then glares at the ratchet* Do something!
Jesse: *facepalm*
Woman by the Manger: (concerned) Is he talking to that piece of metal?
Jordan: You only have to worry if it starts talking back.
Man by the Manger: You’re very unusual travelers. I do not recognize the accent. Where did you learn to speak Hebrew?
Jesse: *wide-eyed, shocked, and confused* *reaching blindly for the time ratchet, trying to grab it from Ethan while he faces the couple and tries to think of an explanation*
Jordan: We’re Gauls.
Jesse: (to Jordan) Stop that!
Man by the Manger: Ah, a conquered people. Like ourselves.
Ethan: *shakes the ratchet viciously* By the power of Grayskull! *ratchet sparks*
*lights flicker*
*back in the Riggs Bros. Old Theatre, seated in the third row, all three wearing brilliantly white clothing of a military tactical fashion, and they all need a shave*
Ethan: Land! *drops and begins kissing the carpeted floor*
*Jordan finds a half-filled bucket of popcorn and begins munching on it*
Jesse: That was close. *looks at his white clothes* Great, this is the third set of gear I've had bleached by time travel.
Jordan: *eating popcorn nervously* Why do I feel like we’re about to start an MST?
Ethan: *getting off the floor* Holiday fanfiction?!
Jesse: That’s a whole new level of horror I hadn’t ever considered... thanks for that.
*the hanging screen above the stage lights up as the projector bot boots up*
Jordan: *screams and dives for cover*
Jesse: *looking at screen* The picture is really fuzzy.
Ethan: Hang on. *points the broken time ratchet at the screen* I think I’ve got the hang of this. *presses a button and the picture clears*
Jordan: *peeking between seats* Are those wise men?
Jesse: Could be... they appear to be asleep.
Jordan: *jumps up* Hey, Magi!
*the men on the screen wake with a start, then turn and seem to be looking through the screen*
3rd Man: What manner of...
Jordan: Don’t tell Herod where you find the child king, or Herod will kill him, got it?
1st Man: Who are you?
Jordan: A messenger.
2nd Man: This is truly an amazing vision. We will do as you say, noble messenger.
Jordan: Good.
*the screen goes blank*
*lights flicker*
*Ethan slams the ratchet to the ground, then draws a pistol and shoots the tool several times*
Jesse: *blinking* For Wise Men, they were very easy to convince...
Ethan: *looks at the white pistol in his hand and their white tactical gear* Oh geez... do we look like angels?
Jesse: *facepalm* ...warned in a dream not to return...
Ethan: At least they didn’t get our names.
Jordan: *sprinting for the door* Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fight.
Jesse: *stalks out, following Jordan* First person who says anything about a "Christmas miracle" gets a beating. I really hope we don't have to fix this, too.
Jordan: (shouting back into the theatre) You’re just upset that it wasn’t zombies!
*Ethan is alone, looking at their whiteboard on stage, which now reads “Doomsday Prevention Plan: Success"*
Ethan: We did it again... I’m not sure how I feel about that. *perks up* Hey guys, let’s go troll the doomsayers in Bugarach! *he exits*
*lights flicker*
*A certain Gregory appears on the stage, 1000 years out of place, very much distraught and railing against the Party of Theophylae in a very old mix of Latin and Italian. He looks around, falling silent as he realizes his surrounding.*
Gregory: *in his own language* This is most unusual.
*Gregory wanders off. In the theatre, the time ratchet sparks a final time, and then vanishes*
(Definition of Rant - [dialect British] a rousing good time)
*the 20th of December, A.D. 2012*
*Jesse, Ethan, and Jordan are standing on the stage of the Riggs Bros. Old Theatre. Ethan and Jesse are dressed in the elven armour of Middle Earth, but Jordan misread the memo and is wearing the silly looking outfit of one of Santa’s elves as portrayed by modern media. A large whiteboard behind them reads “Doomsday Prevention Plan."*
Jesse: Speaking of time travel...
Jordan: Were we talking about time travel?
Ethan: We were about to, as I understand it.
Jordan: About to when?
Ethan: *snarky* Recently.
Jesse: Stop that.
*lights flicker*
Jesse: Speaking of time travel...
Jordan: Were we talking about time travel?
Ethan: We were about to, as I understand it.
Jordan: About to when... Wait a minute. What just happened?
Jesse: *looks at his watch* Is today Friday?
Ethan: All day. Why do you ask?
Jesse: *to himself* Gotta remember to wind this thing.
Jordan: I bought you that watch, it has a battery.
*lights flicker*
All: *now wearing wild party gear* Happy New Christmas!
Ethan: *looking at his outfit* I thought gingham went out of style years ago.
Jesse: Nah, ya look good.
Ethan: I look like a tablecloth. Lay me down and have a picnic.
Jesse: That particular gingham has more of a Scottish feel.
Jordan: *heavy Scottish accent* Ach, mah Gingham style!
*all three break into the horse dance as the music erupts*
All: *sing* Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, bonny lady.
*lights flicker*
Ethan: *singing* Ripped jeans, skin was showin’, hot night wind was blowin'. Where ya think you're goin’ baby?!
*lights flicker*
All: Christmas!
Jordan: Falalalala...lala...la... *breaks down crying*
Jesse: We have to get a handle on this time ratchet.
Ethan: *bangs a peculiar looking ratchet against the table*
Jordan: Worst Christmas gift ever.
Ethan: How do you turn down a gift from Steve Jobs?
Jesse: You remember that he's dead, and that he was a selfish jerk when he was alive.
Jordan: Saving the world is hard enough every year without you opening the door everytime someone knocks. Not advisable in our line of work.
Ethan: But the turtleneck sweater...
*lights flicker*
*Ethan is standing next to two Jordan's*
Jordan: *notices himself* Ahhh! *dive tackles himself*
*Jesse walks back on*
Jesse: We've got to stop this.
Ethan: Eh, let 'em fight it out.
Jesse: I meant the wibbly wobbly timey whimey stuff.
Ethan: Is that technical jargon for what is happening? This ratchet is fighting back.
*the ratchet is suddenly snatched from Ethan’s hand by Jordan, who promptly thwacks Jordan across the head with it*
*lights flicker*
*There is only one Jordan, and he is holding a broken ratchet. The floor is covered in hay. Ethan snatches the ratchet from Jordan*
Ethan: (to Jordan) You killed it!
Jordan: He had it coming!
Ethan: I meant the ratchet!
Male Voice: Shhh! You'll wake the baby!
Jesse: What baby?
*All turn to discover a mother and father standing over a baby in a manger. There are what appear to be several relatives of the couple standing around as well.*
*all three Riggs men tilt their heads, confusion apparent*
*sudden realization hits all three*
Jesse: Oh my gosh!
*all hit the ground, kneeling and bowing, faces in the dirt*
Ethan: (whispering) If we get mentioned in the Bible there will be no living it down.
Jordan: (suppressed chuckle) The Three Wise-Guys.
Jesse: (hissing) As long as we’re quiet and get out of here quickly we shouldn't have a problem.
*all three start scooting toward the exit, still with faces to the ground*
Man by the Manger: Are you shepherds?
Jordan: I can’t even keep fish alive. *gets hit by Ethan*
Jesse: *still kneeling* Travelers. We saw the star. We’ll be going now, sorry to disturb you.
Woman by the Manger: You knew what the star meant?
Jordan: *standing* We’re writing a book on it. *Ethan stares at him, horrified*
Jesse: (urgent, to Ethan) Make the ratchet do something. Now.
Ethan: *glances at Jesse, then glares at the ratchet* Do something!
Jesse: *facepalm*
Woman by the Manger: (concerned) Is he talking to that piece of metal?
Jordan: You only have to worry if it starts talking back.
Man by the Manger: You’re very unusual travelers. I do not recognize the accent. Where did you learn to speak Hebrew?
Jesse: *wide-eyed, shocked, and confused* *reaching blindly for the time ratchet, trying to grab it from Ethan while he faces the couple and tries to think of an explanation*
Jordan: We’re Gauls.
Jesse: (to Jordan) Stop that!
Man by the Manger: Ah, a conquered people. Like ourselves.
Ethan: *shakes the ratchet viciously* By the power of Grayskull! *ratchet sparks*
*lights flicker*
*back in the Riggs Bros. Old Theatre, seated in the third row, all three wearing brilliantly white clothing of a military tactical fashion, and they all need a shave*
Ethan: Land! *drops and begins kissing the carpeted floor*
*Jordan finds a half-filled bucket of popcorn and begins munching on it*
Jesse: That was close. *looks at his white clothes* Great, this is the third set of gear I've had bleached by time travel.
Jordan: *eating popcorn nervously* Why do I feel like we’re about to start an MST?
Ethan: *getting off the floor* Holiday fanfiction?!
Jesse: That’s a whole new level of horror I hadn’t ever considered... thanks for that.
*the hanging screen above the stage lights up as the projector bot boots up*
Jordan: *screams and dives for cover*
Jesse: *looking at screen* The picture is really fuzzy.
Ethan: Hang on. *points the broken time ratchet at the screen* I think I’ve got the hang of this. *presses a button and the picture clears*
Jordan: *peeking between seats* Are those wise men?
Jesse: Could be... they appear to be asleep.
Jordan: *jumps up* Hey, Magi!
*the men on the screen wake with a start, then turn and seem to be looking through the screen*
3rd Man: What manner of...
Jordan: Don’t tell Herod where you find the child king, or Herod will kill him, got it?
1st Man: Who are you?
Jordan: A messenger.
2nd Man: This is truly an amazing vision. We will do as you say, noble messenger.
Jordan: Good.
*the screen goes blank*
*lights flicker*
*Ethan slams the ratchet to the ground, then draws a pistol and shoots the tool several times*
Jesse: *blinking* For Wise Men, they were very easy to convince...
Ethan: *looks at the white pistol in his hand and their white tactical gear* Oh geez... do we look like angels?
Jesse: *facepalm* ...warned in a dream not to return...
Ethan: At least they didn’t get our names.
Jordan: *sprinting for the door* Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fight.
Jesse: *stalks out, following Jordan* First person who says anything about a "Christmas miracle" gets a beating. I really hope we don't have to fix this, too.
Jordan: (shouting back into the theatre) You’re just upset that it wasn’t zombies!
*Ethan is alone, looking at their whiteboard on stage, which now reads “Doomsday Prevention Plan: Success"*
Ethan: We did it again... I’m not sure how I feel about that. *perks up* Hey guys, let’s go troll the doomsayers in Bugarach! *he exits*
*lights flicker*
*A certain Gregory appears on the stage, 1000 years out of place, very much distraught and railing against the Party of Theophylae in a very old mix of Latin and Italian. He looks around, falling silent as he realizes his surrounding.*
Gregory: *in his own language* This is most unusual.
*Gregory wanders off. In the theatre, the time ratchet sparks a final time, and then vanishes*