(Definition of Rant - [dialect British] a rousing good time)
(February 1st, but also the day after Christmas 2015, because these things happen. The Riggs Brother Theatre is mostly quiet, none of the regular bustle expected when the theatre could be showing “The Force Awakens” or the Riggs Brothers’ Star Wars Prequel Trilogy Remakes. The florescent lights shine weakly, intermittently flickering in apparent despair. Every so often a popcorn machine sobs quietly to itself. Intermittent calling can be heard.)
Jesse: (at a distance) Kim!
Ethan: (farther distance) Kim?
Jordan: (standing right in the main hallway but his voice is wandering somewhere in the farthest distance) Kim? Seriously, I’m not going to search the tunnels for you.
(An hour later, Ethan wanders into the Main Theatre to find Jesse seated on the stairs up to the stage, playing guitar and singing mournfully.)
Jesse: (singing) Put the bells away… burn the sleigh… throw the presents… out my door.
Jesse and Ethan: ‘Cause she’s gone, gone. Everything they said was true… Christmas and me are through. https://youtu.be/rw5EXZylZ38
(Jordan enters, tries to speak, realizes his voice is still elsewhere, waits a few minutes impatiently tapping his foot. Opens his mouth, closes it, waits a tick more.)
Jordan: I take it you didn’t find her.
Jesse: (holds out a piece of paper) She left a note in the tunnels.
Jordan: And the… whatever those are... didn’t eat it?
Jesse: It was booby trapped.
Jordan: Of course it was. (reading from the note) “Dear boys.” Why does she always call us boys? “I’ve gone to [redacted] for [redacted] and you can’t [redacted] because [redacted].” Well that’s clear as mud. You aren’t supposed to just type “redacted.”
Jesse: I think we should go after her.
Jordan: You think we should go after her? After Kim? We don’t even know where she lives, let alone where she might frequent in her spare time.
Jesse: It could be fun. We could get some after late Christmas shopping done on the way.
Ethan: She said she wanted to vacation somewhere awhile back... I can’t remember.
Jesse: It’s either France or Serbia, and it’s not Serbia.
Jordan: Maybe Estonia?
Jesse: Estonia has been completely quiet since we finished mediating the spy swap with Russia. She’d get bored.
Ethan: Speaking of Russia, did we ever send anyone for that Russian helicopter pilot trying to circumnavigate the world when he crashed in the Arctic?
Jordan: I sent one of our polar bears in the area. Get this - the Russian scared away the bear. Chased it off the iceberg.
Ethan: You really need to get proper ID badges for your animals. Especially the squirrels.
(A knock on the theatre door, followed by Shawn Turner sticking his head in.)
Shawn: Hey, I’ve got that big flower order. What’s this all about?
Jesse: I’m working on an apology gift to a friend. Apparently, a toddler mosh pit was outside the scope of my babysitting duties.
Shawn: What kind of music do you play for a toddler mosh pit?
Jesse: “Thousand Foot Krutch Covers the Wiggles.” And “Skillet Plays Paw Patrol.”
Jordan: You only wish those were real things.
Jesse: They’re limited run albums on vinyl.
Shawn: Where do you want these flowers?
Jesse: Anywhere is fine. Kim isn’t around to complain if I clutter the hallway.
Shawn: She’s the curly haired blonde who always threw things at my head, right?
Ethan: You have to get to know Kim.
Shawn: She eases up?
Jordan: You get a better sense of when to duck.
Shawn: Ha ha… If your garage is heated I can just park the trailer there instead of unloading it.
Jordan: We have a garage?
Ethan: Yes, you were supposed to search it while we were looking for Kim.
Jordan: Just where is this garage?
Ethan: It’s out back… ah, come on. We’ll go open the blast doors for Shawn.
Jordan: It has blast doors?!
* * *
(The Riggs Brothers enter the garage which isn’t located exactly behind the Riggs Bros Theatre, due to being connected to the theater by a long, wide corridor through which a large truck could be driven. This corridor may run through the middle of several neighboring businesses on the block, but no one is quite sure, and the blueprints filed with the city were lost in a fire shortly after being approved.)
Ethan: This is the garage. (His voice echoes until the sound dampers kick on.)
Jordan: Is that a jet?
Ethan: It is. You may not.
(Jordan opens his mouth, closes it, and looks disappointed.)
(Ethan goes to a large control panel on the wall and throws a lever. At one end two huge doors begin to slide open.)
Jesse: I modeled it on the Death Star’s hanger.
Jordan: I am quite certain the Theatre isn’t zoned for this. When did you build this?
Jesse: Over the summer.
Jordan: You need a regular job.
(Shawn drives his truck in, pulling the enclosed trailer carrying Jesse’s order of flowers. Jesse goes over to unhitch the trailer and pay Shawn. A brief argument follows where Shawn contends he has no idea how to go about depositing gold bullion at his local bank and Jesse promising it’s easy and these bars are completely unmarked, so no one is looking for them. Finally, Shawn settles for taking an extra bar for his trouble and leaves. The blast doors rumble shut.)
Jesse: Well, Kim’s obviously not in here.
(In the following pause, Jordan continues to stare at the jet.)
Ethan: I didn’t want to bring this up before, but what does Kim do around here?
Jesse: A little bit of everything.
Ethan: Do we pay her?
Jesse: ...I think so. I think she handles payroll.
Ethan: What’s her job title?
Jordan: It’s Kim.
Ethan: No, her job title.
Ethan: Nevermind. Maybe we should think about hiring a few other people around here. It is a big theatre.
Jesse: Ah geez, that means interviews or forced conscription, and I’m just never in the mood for either.
Jordan: Maybe Kim could… oh wait.
Ethan: Let’s see. We’ll need a Chancellor, a Marshal, a Steward, a Spymaster, and a Court Chaplain.
Jesse: (raises an eyebrow) And a castle wall?
Ethan: Nah, we’re maxed out on available space on this street. We could reinforce the exterior walls though. Again.
Jordan: Who do you propose for Chancellor?
Jesse: How about Sepp Blatter?
Ethan: He’s hard to get a hold of these days, but we can try.
Jesse: Ideas for a Marshal? Maybe Igor Girkin? Our gig has got to be cushier than what he’s doing now.
Ethan: (makes a note) I can stop in and visit him next week. Who for Steward?
Jordan: Chef Ramsey. He’s got to make great stews.
Ethan: (stares at Jordan, then shrugs) Why not. And a Spymaster?
Jesse: Do you think we can get Zhen Ziaojiang?
Ethan: You’d have to head that up, I don’t have the connections there like you do. Lastly, a Court Chaplain.
Jesse: I think that’s you.
Ethan: I accept.
Jesse: That covers it. When Kim gets back we’ll have her draw up contracts.
(The Riggs Brothers move to leave the garage.)
Jordan: I’m gonna miss Kim. Do you think she’ll ever come back?
Jesse: How could she stay away when so many fun things happen here?
Ethan: Did anybody check Kim’s office?
Jordan: She has an office?!
Zhen Ziaojiang: http://www.defensenews.com/story/defense/policy-budget/warfare/2015/01/20/taipei-china-arrest-espionage-spy/22036535/
Igor Strelkov: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Igor_Strelkov_(officer)
Sepp Blatter: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-32985553