(Definition of Rant - [dialect British] a rousing good time)
*A large conference room laid out like a government council chamber. Two dozen or so important looking people in business wear occupy the stadium seats, facing the front of the room where three men, Jesse, Ethan, and Jordan, are seated behind a table. Obviously a hearing is underway.*
Official: I suppose we should call this meeting of the U.N. Committee on Unusual Activities to order. Or as much order as is possible under these circumstances.
Jordan: I promised to be good.
Ethan: You've promised that before.
Official: Gentlemen, please. Christmas is Wednesday, we would all like to be home as soon as possible.
Jesse: Alright, what's first?
*The Official glares at Jesse and then consults a document on the table before him.*
Official: The first order of business is -
Official: Sandwiches. *looks very confused* Who... Why are sandwiches the first order of business?
Jordan: *holding a four foot sub-sandwich* It's never a good idea to start these meetings without a snack. Everyone should have a brown bag lunch under their chair.
*Around the room, the officials find their sandwich bags, some with more delight than others.*
Official: *examines his sandwich and sets it aside* Moving on. We have a list of questions that need answered related to your activities of the past year.
Jesse: Ok. Shoot. *puts a hand out and pushes down the barrel of a gun Ethan has drawn* No.
Official: *slightly alarmed* Regarding the incident known as Tent Peg, which bear is best?
Ethan: *gives Jordan a disapproving look* I believe the answer you’re looking for is teddy bear.
Jordan: Oh come, obviously the answer is polar bear. So cute with their white fur and red snouts.
Official: That will be sufficient. Wait...red snouts?
Jordan: *big smile* You ever see a polar bear eat a penguin?
Official: *disturbed slightly* I think we’re getting a little off topic. Next question; who murdered Rudolph?
Jordan: He died?!
Jesse: For the record it wasn’t us.
Ethan: I heard he was hit by a flock of birds and a 747 over Barcelona. Eyewitnesses claimed that the reindeer over Spain was hit mainly by the plane.
Jordan: Sounds plausible. Can we go with that?
Jesse: We'll go with that.
Official: Moving on to Operation Tub Thumper, which you were definitely not supposed to be a part of or even know about...
Ethan: If they didn’t want us to be a part of it, then they shouldn’t have left the mission specs laying on their desks.
Official: They were in a drawer.
Ethan: It shouldn’t have been unlocked.
Official: The drawer was in a giant safe.
Ethan: It was unlocked, too?
Official: Nevermind. *referring to sheet of paper in front of him* The question we need answered is how long should conditioner be left in?
Jordan: As with any explosive, it's best to follow the directions on the label.
Jesse: The directions on the label are best.
Official: I suppose so. *looking at the paper again* We would like to understand exactly what happened regarding the French terrorist attacks you thwarted and the fate of those terrorists. The reports we received suggested they were turned into cats.
Jordan: We traded them for cats.
Jesse: My wife's cats, to be precise. They were being held by [redacted] and so we made the trade. I believe the Frenchmen had information that [redacted] needed.
Official: You realize you're not supposed to say 'redacted?' That's edited later.
Jesse: You can never be too careful.
Official: Uh huh. Next question. Which stores shopping cart is best for building a Christmas caroler battering ram? *looks confused* Why is this on the list?
Jesse: I'm sure someone thought it was important.
Ethan: We prefer our modified Price Chopper shopping cart. Beginning with the cart, we attached a couple of ten speed bicycles for increased pushing power, and a front mounted snow plow to reduce caroler pile-up.
Official: This is ridiculous, nothing is getting accomplished here.
Jesse: There should only be one question left.
Official: Very well. *reads the question* Seriously?
Ethan: Go ahead. The last question is always the most important.
Official: *sighs* Apart from crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you, and hearing the lamentations of their women, what is best in life?
Jordan: (quietly to himself) Chicken-noodle soup and a grilled cheese sandwich.
Jesse: Actually, we're not at liberty to divulge that information. We're done here.
Official: *explodes* Not at liberty to divulge?! You hijack our plane, fly us six hours out of our way, set us up in this ridiculous room, and make us ask you questions that you wrote down, and you won't even answer all the questions!
Ethan: We’re sorry, but we’ve run out of time.
*A side door opens and Kim pokes her head in.*
Kim: The plane is refueled and the pilots are awake. They actually were thanking me for the chance to rest.
Jesse: They have been busy this year. A good dose of valium was in order.
(The Official and other suits are filing toward the door, being directed out by Ethan, who hands each one a gift bag.)
Ethan: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Official: *stopping in front of Jesse* You realize this is going to mean three weeks of paperwork for us after the Christmas break.
Jesse: Glad to keep you in business.
Ethan: And it will take us the next three weeks to convert this back to a theatre, so we're even.
Official: I don't see how...
Jesse: Yes, well, thank you for coming. *ushers the man through the door*
*The last of the people who aren't a Riggs leave the room, and a few moments later the sound of a jet taking off rattles the walls.*
Ethan: Stroke of genius building a runway on the roof.
Jordan: If any of my good teapots rattled off the wall you're in trouble.
Kim: Well, they're on their way. What was that all about?
Jesse: They were going to call us in for questioning in a few weeks anyway, exactly when I wouldn't have time. I had time today, so I brought them to me.
Kim: Fair enough. So what is best in life? Besides those other things?
Kim: You're not supposed to say 'redacted,' you dummy!
Jesse: I've heard that.
Kim: *heads out the door* Merry Christmas anyway.
*She lets the door slam shut behind her. Ethan watches the door slam, turns to Jesse, then whips back to stare at the door in horror.*
Ethan: She just locked us in here!
Jordan: *eyes wide* If the doors are locked we'll have to go through the tunnels.
Jesse: When was the last time we cleared the tunnels?
Ethan: Before last Christmas.
Jesse: Hmm... They'll definitely be overrun again by now.
*Jesse leads the other two to the far side of the room, knocking over a fake wall to get there. He bends down and punches a hole in the floor, grabs something beneath the floorboards and yanks on it. A large section of the floor drops away under Jordan, who plummets into the darkness, screaming.*
Ethan: *looking into the darkness* All I want for Christmas is my trusty carbine.
Jesse: *taking the ladder down into the tunnel* If we don't get home by breakfast Kim will declare us dead and take all our presents.
Ethan: *looks alarmed* We have to hurry. *jumps into the tunnel*
Jesse: *continuing down the ladder* Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fight.