(The Riggs Brothers stand together looking into a crib where a very new baby sleeps.)
Jordan: ...Where’d you get a baby?
Jesse: They handed him to me at the hospital. I don’t know why.
Jordan: What does a baby do?
Jesse: Sleep. And eat.
Ethan: (pats the baby’s leg) We’re going to get along very well.
Jesse: (slaps Ethan’s hand away) Don’t touch. You’ll wake him.
Ethan: Have you named the baby?
Jesse: The baby’s name is Danger.
(From elsewhere is heard a loud shouting.)
Bristen: The baby’s name is not Danger!
Jesse: (quietly) I call the baby Danger.
(The Riggs Brothers regard the baby for a moment, heads tilted and expressions puzzled.)
Jordan: What does one do with a baby?
Jesse: I think, and don’t quote me on this, you turn babies into productive citizens.
Jordan: I have this strange compulsion to acquire supplies for the baby.
Jesse: Lots of people have done that already.
than: Raiding parties?
Jesse: I think they call them “showers.”
Ethan: Raiding showers?
Ethan: That sounds fun. We should do that.
* * *
(Later, the Riggs brothers return to the Theatre, crowding through the door, laden with full shopping bags. Kim meets them in the atrium.)
Kim: Your text said you were going to a raiding shower. What is that?
Jesse: It was a catastrophic success.
Ethan: Buy Buy Baby burned down.
Jordan: (clenched fist) No one should be bought and sold, least of all innocent babies.
Kim: No, it’s a store that sells… (facepalm) ...nevermind. What do you have in the bags?
Jordan: Onesies! Mostly. So many cute onesies!
Ethan: This machine makes weird noises. (flips it on, heartbeat and swishing sounds) We can play this over the theatre intercom during intermission.
Kim: I don’t think so. Jesse, you realize you’re a father now, right?
Jesse: (blinks) Faaa-thur?
Kim: A parent.
Jesse: Not to me, no.
Kim: You’re a dad.
Jesse: (freezes) Like my dad?
Kim: I don’t know if you can aspire to such heights, but yes.
Jesse: (looks blankly into space for a moment, then gets a silly grin) We’re gonna go on so many raiding showers together.
Kim: You should probably get a job.
Jesse: Is “Briganding” not a job?
Kim: It’s not even a word. Besides, the last time you tried that you lost money.
Ethan: (grumbles) Can you believe the IOC. We try to clean up Rio and how do they respond? Charge us 4000 pounds sterling for Chia Pet replacement fees.
Jordan: That’s not even their national currency. It just doesn’t make sense.
Jesse: We’ll take it up with Kelsey Fiddes another day.
Kim: Shouldn’t you be heading home, to help your wife?
Jesse: Ah yes, it’s my turn to hold the baby soon.
Jordan: Can I hold the baby?
Jesse: (heading for the exit) Maybe when the baby can adequately defend itself.
Jordan: (following) That’s fair.
Ethan: (holding up a shopping bag) Should we bring any of this?
Jesse: Bring the bags we filled with bottles. We won’t have to wash any for a week.
Ethan: Got it.
Jesse: (pausing at the door) And the diapers. All the diapers. I’ll probably send you back for more. On a weekly basis.
Ethan: Maybe we can just conquer Target and establish a tribute system.
Jesse: Good idea, it will save time in the long run.
Kim: (yelling after them) You can’t conquer a corporate chain!
Jesse: (smiles) Kim, Kim, Kim... Don’t you realize there’s nothing I can’t do? I’m a dad now. And dad’s are superheroes.