Fangirls and Elffriends Chapter 7-9 Original fanfiction by Authoressinhiding Comentary by Tango Squad
(7. Merry’s Plan)
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR. Now that’s established, on with the fanfic.
Meanwhile, the school librarian was worried. Merry had not stirred, and the movie was almost over. Well, the disc was.
Jereck: …What’s the difference? All the fan-girls sat, still drooling, in a comatose state. The other members of the Book Appreciators’ Club enjoyed the movie and were careful not to step on Merry while getting refreshments. They were used to her dozing off during movies, and she’d seen The Lord of the Rings so often, it was really no surprise to them that she had fallen asleep during this one. Jereck: Oh paragraph, how I hate thee, let me count the ways.
Elladan woke, feeling groggy and sick. Marten: (Elladan) That is the last time I go drinking with Gimli.
“Eeeemmmhh,” he moaned, trying to move and finding it impossible.
“Guys, he’s up,” said a voice, which sent shivers spinning
Marten: Dervishly? Jereck: Stop that.
up and down his spine.
Bracing himself for the worst, he opened his eyes. First, Elladan looked at himself. He had been tied to a tree; no wonder he couldn’t move. The clearing he was in was filled with girls Merry’s age. They looked harmless, but a sixth sense, almost, warned him of them.
Sun: It’s a fifth and three quarters sense.
“Yes,” said another voice. “Miranda, are you ready?”
Jereck: (as River Tam) Miranda…
“One sec,” called Miranda. She turned around, and Elladan saw to his horror that she was wearing a bridal veil.
“As a justice of the peace, I marry you, Miranda G., to this elf,” said the second girl.
Jereck: I get the feeling that this isn’t legally binding… or even legal for that matter. Marten: Have you even been to a surprise wedding?
“I do!” yelled Miranda.
Someone kept sticking a burning poker into Elladan. It really hurt.
“We’ll keep doing this, elf, until you say ‘I do’,” cackled a girl behind him.
Elladan opened his mouth as if to say the awful words but yelled instead, “Help! Help! Hel-,”
He was cut off by an extra vicious thrust of the poker.
“Shut up,” said the justice of the peace cruelly. “No one will hear you. You are all alone. Just say ‘I do’ and be on with it!”
“No,” said Elladan bitterly. “Never.”
“You will,” said the j. o. t. p.,
Marten: The jolly old tin penguin. Jereck: The jester on the parapet. Sun: The Japanese omelet tracking parrot. Jereck: Sorry readers, we know those three lines are slow, but abbreviating is such a lazy thing to do…
smiling evilly. “Otherwise we can make you a slave. This way you’ll be free. Relatively.”
Miranda smiled in what she obviously thought was a winsome way.
“Come on, elfy honey,” Elladan was disgusted, revolted, and very nauseated.
Marten: (Elladan) You can’t win me this way!I expect to be courted properly.
“It won’t be so bad. Don’t you love me, sweetie pie?” she cooed.
You are too young, I hate those who kidnap me, never call me elfy honey, and you are rude! I will never marry you! he thought angrily, wishing he could yell it to Illuvatar. It might be rash, like the oath of Feanor, but he didn’t care. Fan-girls were very, very scary.
“Elrohir,” ventured Merry, “I have a plan.”
The elf looked at her,
Jereck: …horror building in his expression as he recalled the results of her last plan. Marten: Gandalf still hadn’t forgiven them for that one.
and with a twinge of pain, she saw tear streaks on his comely face. Blinking back tears of her own, she continued, “Ask your brother’s horse what happened. Then follow his directions to where he last saw Elladan. Go swiftly and silently. Probably on foot as you get closer. Come back to a prearranged spot, get me, and we’ll go save Elladan. What do you think?”
All: … Jereck: *whispers* I don’t think much of her plan. Marten: *whispers* I don’t even think it’s a plan… more of a pre-plan. Sun: Why are we whispering?
“I think,” began the elf in a quavering voice, “I think it would work. All right, I’ll go talk to Dark Moon. Stay here.”
“Don’t I always?” muttered Merry under her breath so he couldn’t hear.
After a few moments of horse noises, he returned.
Sun: *grits his teeth* So… many…dirty thoughts.
“They were running – well, Dark Moon was, - and an arrow hit Elladan. He fell off. Dark Moon was terrified and ran faster. I doubt it was fan-girls,” he finished.
“Why?” asked Merry.
“Would they be using bows?”
“Some attend my archery school,” she admitted.
Marten: Where would they get bows? Jereck:*amazed* There is no logical answer to that question.
“Oh, great!” he said in frustration.
“So, shall we follow my plan?”
“Yes. I’ll take Dark Moon on a halter rope behind my stallion. You come last, riding your mare. What’s her name again?”
“Azul,” Merry told him for what seemed like the thousandth time.
Sun: Heh, heh.Author was worried we forgot the horse had a name. Jereck: Why didn’t Elrohir’s stallion get a name? Marten: He rides through Middle-Earth on a horse with no name. Jereck: *peals of laughter* Marten: *confused*What did I say?
“Yes, you follow with Azul.”
Merry noted with interest something new about Elrohir. He was a nervous pacer. Whenever he was uncomfortable, he paced. ‘Round and ‘round
Marten: - derishly! Jereck: *twitch*
the remains of their fire the elf strode now. He had worn a track into the ground already!
“Stop,” Merry ordered, getting up and putting a firm hand on each of Elrohir’s shoulders. “You will do nothing by pacing. If you have decided to follow my plan, we shouldn’t delay. Elrohir, your brother is in danger; we have to help him. That cannot be done if you pace incessantly.”
He nodded. “You’re right. I am sorry. Let’s pack our stuff.” She nodded and slipped both her bow and flute into her quiver. It was extra long to hold the bow.
Jereck: And slung pell-mell, don’t forget.A weapon in and of itself.
She took Elladan’s pack and tied it to Dark Moon. He would be a pack animal for a while.
Elrohir turned, “When I tell you to stop and go on alone, please do not follow. Obey me, for once, if you will.’
“I will,” said Merry with the air of one whose honor has been questioned. “Why shouldn’t I?”
Elrohir mounted, then raised an eyebrow.
Sun: (as Elrohir) I believe I am finally, truly, riding my horse now.
“Why, indeed?” he murmured, hoping she wouldn’t hear.
“I heard that,” called Merry, now seated on Azul.
Sun: So Elrohir turned and bit her ear off. Marten: Vicious.
He smiled, but didn’t reply. With a “Forward!” from Elrohir, they were off.
(8. Torture and Surveillance )
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR.
Elven horses run soft and swift, and Azul could be as quiet as a hobbit in the woods trying to escape the notice of three angry trolls when it pleased her.
All: *cock an eyebrow*
She chose to do so now. Part of the reason Merry had chosen the mare was because of how obvious Azul’s intelligence was.
Sun: Liar! She never mentioned that when she was in Bree. Marten: Easy, Sun.It’s just a story.
The mare could tell when it was time for silence and acted on her intelligence.
It was not long before Elrohir ordered a halt. He got off his stallion and told him to stay with Merry.
Marten: (Elrohir to stallion) She’s likely to try and run away, so sit on her if you have to.
“As for you,” he said, turning to Merry, “stay here.”
She looked affronted. He merely smiled at her knowingly as if to say, “You can’t fool me, Meredith Lee Wood, so don’t even try.”
She glared at Elrohir as he slipped away into the trees.
Jereck: Meredith is the kind of person that gets other people killed because she can’t keep from pushing buttons, opening doors, reciting old incantations, or stealing raptor eggs.
“Great,” Merry muttered, kicking a tuft of grass around like a soccer ball. She was already bored. “Now, I have to wait.” Sighing, the thirteen-year-old flute player sat down. How long would Elrohir take? Could she wait that long?
Marten: Could the audience?
Elrohir crept through the woods laughing silently. Merry’s face had looked hilarious. He was glad she had come to Middle-earth.
Half an hour later, he saw an orange glow. Like a party of dwarves and a hobbit not too long ago, he snuck up to the edge of the clearing in which the orange glowed. Upon looking into it, the elf’s mouth dropped. Tied to a tree straight across from him was Elladan. A fire burned in the middle of the clearing. Lots – almost a score – of girls surrounded the elf. One wore a bridal veil. Elrohir’s heart sank.
Jereck: If there was rum to be had at this wedding, Elladan would have to wait.
Suddenly, across the clearing, Elladan saw his brother. His eyes widened, and he yelled to the sky.
Marten: Because the sky was going to be so much more help than Elrohir.
The fan-girls whirled, but Elrohir was gone, and Elladan sagged against the tree as if in defeat. A whole bunch of animals seemed upset by the noise. It was a long time until quiet reigned. In the midst of all the clamor, the fan-girls had failed to realize that many of those noises came from Elladan.
Sun: Appartenly the bound elf is devolving.
After the noises had ended, Elrohir crept back to where he’d left Merry and the horses. They were still in that clearing, only their positions had changed. Azul was lying on her side, and Merry was using her for a pillow. Dark Moon and the white stallion stood guard over them.
Jereck: I have this sneaking suspicious that is supposed to be a romantic or wonderful scene to view. Marten: I just don’t think Merry would be comfortable with her neck at angle required to use a horse as a pillow.
“Good boys,” murmured Elrohir, stroking each. He turned to Merry and smiled. He knelt down next to the blue roan mare and whispered a few, well-chosen words in the tongue of horses.
Jereck:Look! Look! See it! Marten:A renegade comma!
The mare moved slowly and shook herself as best she could without getting up.
“Whaaat?” moaned Merry. “Quit it. I have half an hour left before my alarm clock goes off. Go away.”
She opened her eyes blearily and saw Elrohir. “Oh, it’s you,” she grimaced.
Sun: (as Merry) You’re uglier than I remember.
“Help me up.” He only looked at her, so she pushed herself up. “What’d you find out?”
“Elladan’s not too far from here. He’s being held captive by fan-girls. On is trying to marry him. He has no idea how long he can hold out. Have any ideas?” the elf looked at her quizzically.
Marten: What’s the capital of South Dakota?How many herrings in Denmark?
“I think so.” Merry frowned and thought for a while. She brightened before saying, “I’ve got it. Or, I think so. I’ll sneak around to where he’s tied. You created a distraction, but don’t get caught.
Marten: He needs a reminder to avoid capture?
I’ll have the horses with me. When they go off to catch you, I’ll knock out the remaining guards and cut 'Dan free. Do you have any questions?”
Sun: So she’s going to assault her schoolmates? Jereck: Aw, crap, she’s started abbreviating names.
“No, I like it. We can succeed.”
“Hopefully,” said Merry. “If, and only if, all goes well.”
“Let’s go, then.”
“Hang on. I’m hungry. Let’s eat first.”
The elf half-heartedly put up a fight,
Sun: as Merry jumped on him and started nibbling his ears.
but agreed. Soon, they were munching away companionably.
Sun: (nudges Marten) That means they’re making out. Marten: Stop it. Jereck: Does anyone hear a knocking sound?
Elladan watched worriedly as the fan-girls kept trying to make him marry Miranda.
‘No,” he repeated over and over. “NO! NO! NO!” These vehement replies earned him sharp digs with the burning poker. The stench of burning flesh filled the air after every yelled ‘NO!” Miranda was getting frustrated.
“Honey,” she pleaded, “please say ‘I do’. For me, my elven sweet heart, my elvish hottie, pretty please?”
Sun: (as Miranda) With my cherry on top? Marten: Stop that! Jereck: I swear I heard a knock.
Elladan’s eyes flared with a sudden menace. “Not in a life-age of the earth would I marry you.”
This got him another sharp poke with the searing hot metal rod. I will not scream, thought Elladan. I will not give them that pleasure of knowing they can cause me pain. He held his head high, surveying the clearing and forest beyond. He was searching for signs of Elrohir. Where was he? Was Merry okay?
Jereck: There it is again. Marten: There’s someone at the door. Jereck: Why would… Pizza! *gets up and sprints for the door* Marten: His memory is horrible. Sun: Pizza’s here, must be about the end of the chapter.
This will be the last chapter until someone besides Emmy reviews. Over 46 people have looked at this tale, and only one has reviewed. So, if anyone out there wants to know more about Merry, people better start clicking the review button. Thanks.
Sun: Surely you don’t think anyone would have any reason to give in to that threat. Marten: I can’t imagine a reason.And don’t call me Shirley. *rim shot* Sun: I hate you. Jereck: *from the back of the theater*Hey, look who brought the pizza!
*Jereck comes down the side aisle followed by a dark haired handsome Frenchman with a Chinese name*
Marten: It’s Kang!They sent you with the pizza? Kang: *hands over the pizza and then dusts himself off*Yea, they seemed to think I knew my way past the tripwires. *turns to Jereck* You owe me a finger. Jereck: I could swear I disabled them all last week. Kang: So what are we working on? Sun: Fangirls and Elffriends. An exercise in futility.
Helen - I am so glad you liked it. Don't worry about Elladan dying. He's sooo cute. (oh, my, did I just gush?)
Jereck: *cringe* Ewww…maybe this should have been rated differently. Kang: That all depends on what was gushing. Sun: See, I am not the only one with a dirty mind!
Crecy - thanks for reviewing and I am so glad people like my weird story.
Emmy - You're back! You can e-mail me, you know. Glad you liked my chappie.
Kang: Chappie?!That’s the name of my little sister’s dog! Sun: Poor dog.
MeraSparrow - Since so many people reviewed, I guess I'll have to.
Fk306 animelover - I won't kill Elladan. Though I'd like to see how your Outer Space Chickens do against my herd of wrathful mumakil.
Jereck: And in this corner!... Kang: Even in the future I think that will still be illegal.
Xtina - You love it? Kewl. I'll update. Or, maybe not. :p
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR. New Line refused to let me steal the movie scripts, too.
"Elrohir! Stop eating!"
"Sorry," the elf mumbled.
"If you're done gorging," she gestured to the empty wrappers of food he'd consumed, "shall we go?"
Together, they walked into the woods for a while, creeping along. When they reached a certain point, Elrohir stopped.
Marten: He’d come to end of his leash.
He directed her on to where Elladan was tied and bid her keep silent.
"I'll go create the distraction."
Kang: Whoppie cushions galore!
"Good luck," murmured Merry.
"I'll be fine. Now hurry."
She walked silently off in the direction he had indicated. As soon as she was out of sight, Elrohir
Sun: Made a break for it, determined to escape this crazy story… Kang: But fell directly into the arms of Ayn Rand.
began noiselessly making his way around to the side of the clearing where he'd been previously. Elladan's situation had worsened. The fan-girls were now screaming inches from his face, trying to get him to say,
Kang: “Yes, you’re breath is minty fresh.”
"I do." His resolution held, however, and the elf merely looked bored and long-suffering. He caught sight of Elrohir, and all surrounding heard a wolf's howl. None knew where it came from save the two elves. Another howl, and then another, but from other wolves, rose into the air, mixing in sounds of joy and sorrow.
Elrohir saw a flash of white behind Elladan and guessed Merry and the horses were there. Taking a deep breath, he made up his mind to act.
Jereck: (as Elladan) But what I really want to do, is direct.
The elf stepped into the clearing. The fan-girls heard him for the first time, and turned. Several fainted out of pure joy. One, however,
Kang: …had an epileptic seizure and took out three others on her own.
looked from Elladan to Elrohir and back shrewdly. This fan-girl, unlike most, had read The Lord of the Rings. She could put two and two together.
Marten: But there were only three books? Jereck: And the twins would be adding one and one?What she talking about?
Behind Elladan, Merry groaned. Elrohir just had to do something stupid like that. The fan-girls all advanced on Elrohir.
"He and the other are twins!" yelled the fan-girl. "They're the sons of Elrond!" The fan-girls' eyes grew huge, and they walked forward even more quickly.
Jereck: I’m picturing Dawn of the Dead here.
Judging it was now or never, Merry slipped up behind Elladan. Silently unsheathing her knife, she sliced through his bonds.
Sun: Costing Elladan a couple of fingers. Kang: *looks sadly at his four digit hand*Goodbye pinkie finger.
Elladan knew it was Merry, so he said nothing. The minute she was done, he swung wearily around the tree and vanished into the forest. Merry followed suit. Elladan pulled himself onto Dark Moon, and she leapt atop Azul. They cantered softly around the clearing, Elrohir's stallion in the lead.
As soon as he noticed Elladan was gone, Elrohir vanished. When the horses thundered by, the elf jumped onto his mount. The horses checked themselves and wheeled, flying back to Elladan and Elrohir's camp. Even after they had left them far behind, the fan-girls' cries haunted the trio.
Note: forgive me, please, for the short chappie, but I just saw this as a logical stopping point. Otherwise, the chapter would go on and on. The next chapter should be much longer. Much, much, much, much, much longer.
Jereck: Fact is, no amount of pizza will comfort me after this.
Chapter markers, ex. (2. Azul), were added by Jesse Abram. The original contains no chapter markings within the text. Jereck, Marten, and Sun had no way to tell when each chapter started or ended. It was torture.