Fangirls and Elffriends Chapters 4-5 Original fanfiction by Authoressinhiding. Literary commentary by Tango Squad.
(4. Sending a Message)
Thank you to everyone who has reviewed this story. Seeing how no one has, except for Emmy ( not on and I have already replied to her, I can’t say any more.
Marten: Oh goodness, another lone parenthesis.It’s gonna take us forever to get out of this.
Also, I’m sorry this chapter is so short,
Jereck: Apology accepted.Make up for it by making the next one short too.
but I have a book report due in two days and have to type up another story for my piano teacher. Don’t ask.
All: We didn’t.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Lord of the Rings. If I did, which, once again, I do not, I would be having some of my nonsensical stories published, not doing this.
Sun: Curse these forays into the “if I did.”They all do this!
Also, I might be talking to Orlando Bloom or Viggo Mortensen. Speaking of Viggo, does anyone have his fan mail address? No? Darn it! Sorry about my momentary lapse into insanity. Now, on with the story!
Frodo was not in so good a position He was tied to a tree, covered in crimson lipstick kisses, and surrounded by the fan-girls.
Jereck: ...nearly dead of smooches. Sun: *grumbles* Dream come true…
The hobbit felt terrified. After a nod from their leader, the girls became whirling dervishes
Marten: Now that’s a neat trick.
“Elijah! Elijah! You aren’t Frodo! You silly dodo! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!”
Jereck: How could they chant that? There is no meter to those lines!
They dissolved into scary giggles,
Marten: Another neat trick.
then, sang more. “We love you! We love you! Say you love us, too!”
On and on they went while a group in the clearing cooked something in a cauldron. Something that bubbled.
Jereck: Vinegar and baking soda? Marten: Mentos and coke?
Terrified beyond belief, Frodo closed his eyes and passed out.
Jereck: And the Sue is worried about Legolas.
Elladan rode as swiftly as possible.
Jereck: Ride like the wind, Bullseye!
If what Merry said was true, then Legolas was in danger. He needed their help, but someone had to go to Imladris first to tell his father what had happened.
Sun: Father, we’re taking a Sue to see Legolas.We’re hoping he knows how to kill her.
“A, Elbereth, Gilthoniel!” The elf heard the song. With renewed hope,
Marten: …that he hadn’t been entirely deafened by the Sues high fluting,…
he sent his horse onward. As they entered the clearing up ahead, the figure inside whirled.
Marten: …dervishly? Jereck: That’s not a word.
“Easy, Glorfindel,” said Elladan.
“Oh, it’s you,” muttered the tall elf lord.
“Yes. Will you take a message to my father?”
“Sure. Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” Elladan was the picture of innocence.
Jereck: (as Glorfindel) I saw you pick your nose.
“Barge in like that. Scary. What’s the message?” Glorfindel asked wearily.
“Tell Dad the Elrohir and I are going to see Legolas in Mirkwood.”
Marten: (Elladan) We’re going to compare egos.Legolas and ‘the Elrohir.’
“I will. Now, may I have my peace and quiet?’
“Yes,” Elladan muttered grumpily. “Well, I’ll be off.”
Jereck: What, no “There are fangirls loose in the Golden Wood.Rally the hunting parties!Send for Haldir!”? Marten: (to Jereck) You're thinking of Celeborn, not Glorfindel. Jereck: My bad... ahem...What no, "There are fangirls loose near the Shire! Rally the hunting parties! Send for Aragorn!
“Goodbye,” replied Glorfindel, but the younger son of Elrond was already gone, riding back to his friends. The blond elf shook his head in exasperation. Someone would have to talk to Elrond about his sons soon.
Marten: Their pipe weed racketeering was getting out of hand. Sun: That and their womanizing.
Laughing aloud, Glorfidel turned back to his song- making.
Marten: …certain to add lots of high notes to the flute part. Jereck: Completely forgetting about the message he was supposed to deliver.
(5. Flute and Flashback)
Emmy- you think it’s funny? IT IS NOT! It’s serious.
Sun: *deadpan* So serious.
I mean, come on. We have a terrified hobbit here. Be nice. Then again, I’m not, so why should you be?
Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone from LOTR, much as I wish I did. Now, on with the evil writings of my mind.
Marten: There you have it, your honour… She admits it!
Merry woke with a behemoth yawn. She sat up and rubbed her eyes, still yawning.
“Don’t swallow a gnat.”
Jereck: *sings* Perhaps she'll die.
The girl turned and saw Elrohir viewing her with amusement.
Jereck: (as Elrohir) You drool in your sleep.
“Awake at last?” he asked.
“I am,” Merry replied smoothly. She seemed unperturbed by the elf’s comments.
Marten: On the inside her fragile self-esteem was shattered, and she knew that today, finally, she would kill herself. Jereck: *scrapes away at a squeaky violin*
“What’s for breakfast?” She yawned again. Elrohir forced himself not to as well. Yawns were contagious, but elves didn’t yawn, so Elrohir would have to restrain the impulse.
Marten: This makes my head hurt.
“I was waiting for you to wake up. Now, if you’ll promise to stay here and try not to get in trouble,” she tried to look innocent, but failed. Elrohir gave her a no-nonsense look, then went on, “I will go and find something.’
“Why would I get in-”
Sun: (as Elrohir) *vehemently* Because I’ve hired men to kill you if you so much as set foot outside this clearing.
“Shush. Whether or not you wanted to, you would, Merry. You always do. Will you promise?”
“Yes. I, Meredith L. Wood, promise on my honor as a flautist that I will remain her while you’re got and try-” he shot her
All: …with an arrow Jereck: How nice, she promised to remain herself.
a glance “okay, do – my best not to get in trouble. Is that good enough?” she glared fiercely at him. “Are you content?”
“Yes, I am,” said Elrohir, though secretly he wasn’t.
Sun: … and wanted to tie her to tree to be sure.
Merry might not search for trouble, but it probably would go looking for her. She was ok now, but would she be when he got back?
Sighing, Elrohir went over to his white stallion. The elf rummaged in his pack and pulled out the flute he had worked on. It was made of wood and would have been a trifle but for Elrohir’s carving and talents.
Jereck: The elf is a terrible baker. Marten: *cocks an eyebrow* Jereck: A trifle? You eat them? They’re a pastry– oh, never mind.
All over the instrument, little elves, men, and dwarves roamed.
Jereck: It’s like James and the Giant Peach Middle Earth style.Mmmm, peaches. Marten: You’re hungry aren’t you?
Some rode, others fought orcs, and many showed events from ancient Elvish tales.
Marten: How big is this flute?Jereck: *shrug* I'm estimating it resembles a didgeridoo.
It was magic, too. That much was obvious. Merry played a few notes, and the flute was perfectly in tune. Her eyes widened.
Sun: And popped. Splat.
“This is a magic flute,” she said softly.
Marten: (as Merry) I can taste it. Sun: (as Elrohir) No, dear, that’s poison.
“True. It will always be in tune and play any tune beautifully. Other than that, it has no special powers.”
“Is it mine? Why are you giving it to me?” Merry demanded.
Marten: …a blood sacrifice. This measly musical instrument would not curb the wrath of the Sue!
“Yes, the flute is yours, must you be so loud? And, I gave it to you to try and keep you busy.”
“Oh.” She looked discouraged.
“Cheer up,” the elf laughed. “Today is beautiful, birds sing, and you are young. Be happy.
Jereck: Don’t worry, be happy now.
There ought to be some music in my pack or Elladan’s.
Jereck: How did they- Marten: Sheet music. Jereck: Ohh… why would they- Marten: Let it go.
Now, I have to go, if you still want breakfast.” Elrohir mounted his stallion.
Marten: (Elrohir) McDonald's doesn't serve breakfast after 9 a.m.
“Bye! I’ll be careful!” shouted Merry before playing the elven flute jauntily as the stallion walked off. Elrohir raised an eyebrow.
Sun: …confused. ‘Am I on the horse?’ he wondered, ‘It said I was, but now I’m not sure.’
She crossed her eyes at him. Chuckling now, Elrohir clucked to his stallion.
All: *chicken clucking*
“Let’s go get us some dinner. Onward!”
Marten: So the horse is carnivorous? Jereck: (as Elrond) How many times must I tell you boys? Don’t share your food with the horses! Marten: (as twins) Aw dad! Jereck: (as Elrond) NooOOOoo!
As Elladan rode back to the camp, he recalled a moment shortly after meeting Merry.
All: Uh oh.
All: *rocked by the flashback shockwave* Jereck: And that’s why these seats have neck cushions.
“I like her,” he said to Elrohir. “I wish she was our sister. Then we'd have someone to help us knock sense into Arwen.”
Sun: Have you tried using a stick yet?
"Do you really think our sister needs to have sense knocked into her?" inquired his brother, watching Merry out of the corner of his eye. She could be eavesdropping. "I thought she had enough already."
Marten: (Elrohir, childish) But she's a girl. Jereck: (Elrohir, childish) And girls are stupid!
“Arwen is in love with Estel. No elleth with any sense at all would fall in love with one of the Edain.” Elrohir winced at his brother’s bitter, annoyed tone.
“Estel is handsome,” commented Elrohir, “but, yes, I see your point. Merry isn’t boy-crazy at all. Now that I think on it, she isn’t a bit like Arwen internally.”
Marten: (Elladan) Now you’re just speculating. Sun: (Elrohir) You’re right. We’ll need to examine a cross section to be sure.
“Yeah…. I wish she was our little sis. I wonder why she never mentions her old life,” mused Elladan ponderously.
Jereck: *plays ponderous tuba music* Marten: Where’d you get a tuba?
“I think she’s alone. Very alone. There is a hungry look in her eyes at times. Merry is a private person as well. I’m sure of it.”
Sun: Award for most awkward wording in a short conversation goes to…
“Mmmh,” sighed Elladan. They sat for a moment, gazing intently at the fire, each full of his own thoughts.
Marten: So full thoughts started spilling out their ears.
“Speaking of Merry,” said Elrohir suddenly, breaking the silence, “where in all of Middle-earth is she?”
Jereck: You mean “Where in all of - ”… Oh, he got it… I fail.
It was then the orcs came. Yelling obscene profanity (which shall NOT be quoted here), a horde of goblins rushed down upon the elves. They were saved by a high, piercing note; Merry came running to their aid playing a very high C upon her flute. The orcs fell over, covering their ears and screaming in pain until, one by one, the elves killed them with arrows.
(end of flashback)
All: *the back draft sucks them forward and they slam into the screen, and then fall to the floor* Jereck: I have a name, and that name is Pain.
Elladan smiled now at the memories.
Marten: It had taken years of therapy to get to this point.
Merry was more confident and open now. She laughed easily, but still got in trouble.
In truth, Merry had changed since that time. It had been just over a year ago. She wasn’t twelve anymore. The orc adventure had encouraged her to be more friendly and caused Merry to join the Book Appreciators’ Club, of which she was now the chairperson.
Sun: Ha ha! Helping to kill things made her a happier person. This I can relate to… Oh, Sith spit, did I just say that?
Merry had joined an archery school and taken horseback riding lessons. She spoke out about what disturbed her. Merry had come to be a commanding presence at her middle school.
Elladan still wished she was his sister, and he loved and treated her like one. He was the loud twin, more excited and exuberant than his laid-back brother. Elrohir was calm to the point of being annoying, yet he felt as keenly as his brother. He just didn’t show it.
“Come on,” Elladan urged his gelding. He did not want the others to have all the fun. Suddenly, an arrow whizzed out at him from the trees. It hit Elladan, and the elf fell off his frightened horse and into darkness.
Jereck: Oh, cliffhanger. I’m hungry. Pizza preferences? Sun and Marten: Meat lovers. Jereck: *gets out his cell phone* Why did I bother to ask among carnivores? You guys cover for me for a second.
Emmy – I would never kill Elladan. He’s too cute. Yes, I play the flute. (and piccolo, saxophone, piano, and xylophone.)
Marten: All at once, without using my hands.
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR. There. That’s settled. Now, on with the story.
Jereck: Hello, Pizza Hut?I know it’s a hassle to deliver out my way, but this is Jereck…
Frodo was found a few miles outside of Hobbiton. His clothes were torn, and he flinched at the sight of females. The fan-girls had gone, but they had left him something to remember them bye.
Marten and Sun: *wave* Bye! Jereck: The movie theatre on Fleet Street…
“They prowl the night,” he said fearfully, “searching, always searching, for their next victim.”
Sun: And bumping into things in the dark. Marten: This is a great portrait of the American tween. Jereck: Yes, the drawbridge is down.No, I haven’t reset the traps since last time.
Merry broke off playing “In Dreams” and looked around. She had heard a noise, a very loud, careless noise. Wary, she gently dropped the flute and unsheathed her knife in a flash. She stood in the middle of the clearing, tall and silent, as immovable as the trees that surrounded her.
Sun: ..and an easy target for the worst of archers.
The noise grew louder. Thud! Thud! Thud! It reminds me of “The Tell-Tale Heart", she thought, remembering listening to that story every year in someone’s class. She enjoyed Edgar Allen Poe’s writing, but not that much.
Marten: Oh how cute.A tiny tween rant. Jereck: Meat lovers.Three larges, pan crust.Yes, I’m sure the lions are caged.
The noise grew even louder as whoever was making it came closer. Merry’s heart pounded faster and faster. All of a sudden, the creature entered the clearing. Merry breathed out a sigh of relief. It was just Elladan’s black gelding. Remonstrating herself for being so fearful, she went to meet him.
Marten: What was causing the thudding? Sun: Her brain banging against the inside of her head, trying to escape.
As the girl examined the gelding and realized that the elf was not with him,
Marten: (Merry) I have deduced that the elf is now invisible. Jereck: He can come right inside, and slide it under the door of theatre four.I’ll leave the money outside the door. *gets up and heads for the door*
her eyes grew wide, and her famous (among the elves of Imladris) temper erupted.
“Who did this to you, ‘Moon?” she asked. She had dubbed the horse Dark Moon quite a while ago.
Sun: …in spite of Elladan’s protests that its name was Fanged Terror. Marten: Would he really name his horse Fanged Terror? Sun: I would. Marten: You would.
Elladan was good rider, and Dark Moon would not have left him without good reason. All Elladan’s thing were still on the horse, which worried her even more
Marten: Just one letter missing from each sentence and the Sue sounds like a gibbering idiot.
Merry grabbed her flute and began to play “Hanbanera” from Carmen.
Jereck: *sits down and reads the line* I came back at the wrong moment. Sun: A black gelding with a lousy name has returned to camp. Marten: Without Eladan. Jereck: *reads back a few* But with Eladan’s thing.Would that be Thing 1 or Thing 2?
She had agreed upon it being a warning signal with Elrohir after the orc attack. Over and over the melodies whirled, filled with fear yet dainty and lovely even now in Meredith’s distress.
Elrohir heard and cursed under his breath. He should never have left Merry alone. Trouble had come, as he guessed it would.
Marten: The real question becomes, why couldn’t she go with him to search for breakfast? Jereck: Duh, no one would have been there to meet the horse.
“Come!” he cried and leapt atop his horse. “Back to the clearing! Fast!” In minutes he was back in the clearing. “What’s wrong?” he asked, rushing to Merry.
Before speaking, she put down her flute and regarded him slowly.
“This,” she gestured to the gelding,
Jereck: (Merry) I have no idea what it is.
“came back without Elladan. You know what that means.”
Marten: (Elrohir) The inheritance is all mine?
The oldest son of Elrond sank to the ground, his head in his hands.
Sun: (Elrohir) I can’t figure out if I’m on or off this blasted horse!
“Oh, no. Please, Illuvatar, let him be all right," he moaned.
“He’ll be fine,” said Merry, putting her arms around the elf. “Or, at least, I hope so.”
Marten: Oh, a break in the chapters. Sun: Pizza here yet? Jereck: Probably another chapter before it arrives. Marten: We’re measuring time in chapter’s now?
Chapter markers, ex. (2. Azul), were added by Jesse Abram. The original contains no chapter markings within the text. Jereck, Marten, and Sun had no way to tell when each chapter started or ended. It was torture.