Fangirls and Elffriends Chapter 1-3 Original Fanfiction by Authoressinhiding Literary Commentary by Tango Squad
Fangirls and Elffriends
Jereck: Not even past the title and I shudder with great fear. Sun and Marten: Indeed.
Someone ought to have warned me about fan-girls,
Marten: …we’ve thought every morning since discovering fanfiction.
thought Merry sadly. Her real name was Meredith, but that was seldom remembered.
Sun: Of course, no one remembered “Merry” either. Marten: (as school kid) Hey who’s that? Jereck: (school kid 2) I’m not sure, her name is.. “Happy” or something like that? Marten (same) What, you mean Gay? She had been “Merry” for four years, ever since, at the age of nine, she’d seen “The Fellowship of the Ring” and fallen in love with Tolkien’s world.
Jereck: England? Right now, she was diving into some of his works edited by Christopher Tolkien.
Marten: Which includes how many books now? Jereck: I really don't know. I have some catching up to do.
Thirteen and tall, silent yet intense to the point of scaring people, Merry dazzled the school librarian
Sun: With her expensive grill. Jereck: Who dazzles a librarian? and had read many books. She had violet eyes and black hair.
Jereck: Sue trait one. Merry did well in school.
Jereck: Sue trait two.
She received top marks.
Jereck: Sue trait three. Marten: No, that’s redundant. Sun: And repetitive. A flautist who practiced often, Merry’s family life remained a mystery to the people at her school.
Marten: Sue traits 3 and four. She could have saved us all that and written, “A flute playing Sue.” Jereck: Why didn’t you spell out three when you said that?
At the moment, she was enduring the company of fifteen or so middle-school-aged girls who were just inches away from the big-screen TV. Drool slid down from open mouths as they watched Legolas.
All: *cringe and shudder*
Merry felt a wave of revulsion sweep over her.
All: *leap for the emergency wall seats as the room is swept with a wave of “revulsion.”* Sun: What a stench! The Book Appreciators’ Club had decided to watch a movie version of one of their favorite books,The Lord of the Rings.
Marten: Really? I assumed Legolas was appearing in the 4th Matrix. Jereck: Don’t even go there. They had immediately decided on the version directed by Peter Jackson.
Marten: Was there another… Oh yea… Jereck: *sings* Frodo, of the nine fingers, and the Ring of Doom…
Everyoneagreed the animated one was just sad.
Jereck: Well I like them.
The fact that the hobbits were portrayed as silly, bumbling fools had a lot to do with their choice as well.
Sun: (Merry) And Elijah Wood is super cute! The club had opened the movie marathon (12 hours of movie counts as a marathon)
Jereck: *looks around* Was anyone disputing that? Marten: I watched them all in a row once... never again. to any students who wished to enter.
Marten: Brave, but foolish, souls.
Bad idea!thought Merry now, inwardly beating herself up.Bad bad bad bad bad idea!
“Look, it’s Orlando!” shrieked one of the crazed teenagers.
Marten: Oh my gosh, Miami! And there's Panama City!
As one, the whole group of fan-girls moved even closer to the television screen. The librarian winced; drool now flecked the TV.
Marten: Those girls need rabies shots apparently. Sun: *snaps a clip into his P-90* Looks like we’ll have to put these down.
Merry agreed wholeheartedly with the wince. She was disgusted by the open display of adoration bordering on worship.
Marten: It's funny when fan-girls hate other fan-girls for being fan-girls. As “The Two Towers” ended, Merry fell into a doze. She’d wake up at the return to Edoras. Just a small nap now. Before she drifted off, she saw the fan-girls sag.Oh, well,thought Merry,they can’t follow me into dreams.
Jereck: And our hope fades into the world of night. “Ouch!” she heard someone cry. Merry groaned and rolled her closed eyes. Surely not! Opening her eyes, Merry smiled. Yes! She had fallen into Middle-earth. Looking around her, the girl frowned.
Marten: If she’d just take her medicine she wouldn’t have these mood swings..
Oh, no! Please, Illuvatar! No! Snagaghash!(Slavefire in the orkish tongue. It is extremely hard to curse in a language you only know three words of. The fan-girls were all around her.
All: *wait patiently for the parenthesis to end* Marten: *sniggers* I think we’re lost in translation. “Look,” said one, “it’s Elijah.”
Jereck: The prophet? In Middle Earth? Sun: So that’s where the chariot took him. No,thought Merry,that’s Frodo.
Marten: Between her and the hobbits this is going to get confusing.
“Elijah!” squealed the girls and charged the hobbit. With a scream of pure terror, he ran.
Jereck: So they just dropped into Bag-End? Marten: Now there's an unexpected party.
“Good one,” muttered the flautist appreciatively. She meant how fast the hobbit ran, of course. Not how swift the fan-girls were in chasing him.
Suddenly, her heart stopped. Fan-girls! Legolas! Merry knew she didn’t have much time.
Sun: She had to get to him first! Marten: Some of the other girls were much prettier than her. She wouldn't have a chance. Of course, she had visited Middle-earth before in dreams.
Jereck: Of course. Sun: The world you see has been pulled over your eyes…
The girl knew she only had a short while before she would wake up and reappear mentally in her own world.
Jereck: (sardonic) Which is why there are only thirteen chapters of this drivel.
She also knew these were more, much more, than dreams. They were real.
Marten: …full-blown hallucinations brought on by the LSD. She was known in Middle-earth to a few.
Sun: …bounty hunters.
Merry had visited Rivendell. Uruva, fiery, she had called herself there, causing Elrond and his folk to laugh. They remembered her after as that, though in a teasing manner.
Jereck: (as folk) Do you remember That? Marten: (other folk)Oh yes, That was really weird. Let’s tease That. Elladan and Elrohir had taken her to Erebor before. It had been fun; she’d had her flute.
Sun: The sky had had clouds. The birds had their wings. And she wouldn’t share her flute with anyone. Jereck: (to Sun) Are you done?
Orcs had tried to waylay them in the mountains. They had left, an hour or so later, with greatly diminished numbers and deafened ears.
Jereck: Merry used flute! It's super effective! Sun: *musing* Could you keep a Sue in a Pokeball? I'll have to try that. Merry was especially proficient in the range of high notes. Elladan and Elrohir just stood behind her and shot orcs as they fell to the ground, hands covering filthy ears.
Marten: Oh, now that’s just dishonorable. And why didn’t this high fluting affect the elves? Jereck: Heh heh, you said high fluting.
The trio had laughed long and hard over that one.
Marten: (as Elladan) Ha ha ha… I can’t hear myself laugh.
But now, Middle-earth was facing an even bigger crisis than orcs.
Marten: *weighing the options* Fangirls… orcs… fangirls… orcs.. Sun: Fangirls taste better. Jereck: 0_o Eh… Marten: Good point. Fangirls.
I’ve got to do it,she though grimly.I have to go to Eryn Lasgalen.
Marten: Oh no…
I have to find Legolas.
Jereck: *cringing* Whyyyy?
Emmy: Thanks so much for your review. Yes, it will be serious (somewhat) and witty (you really think so?),
Precious. Gollum, Gollum.
Jereck: What the? Did we start a new chapter? Marten: Looks like it. Jereck: I was gonna order pizza…
Jereck: Sue spit! I hate these!
I forgot to add this the first time, so here we go.
Jereck: *without enthusiasm* Hee hee...
I do not own anything or any characters fromThe Lord of the Rings; they all belong to Tolkien and his affiliates. I have borrowed them for a while, and will try to return them in one piece. One can never be certain, however. Now, on with the story.
Jereck: That was only mildly painfully. She stood there, pondering how on earth
Marten: You mean how onMiddle-Earth! *rimshot*
she would reach Mirkwood before the fan-girls did.Relax, you can do anything!
Sun: That’s right, you’re a Sue. *accusingly* And you know it… don’t you? Jereck: If the Sues ever really achieve self-awareness... hmm... Marten: That would solve the problem wouldn't it? Jereck: Or make it much, much worse. She cheered her self on.Now, first things first. I need a horse. To get one, I’ve got to reach Bree. That’s,she calculated the distance and time,a four-hour’s walk. I better start.
Sun: Four hour walk from where? Jereck: The Sue. The Sue is the center of the all that surrounds her, and it is all within a four hour walk, or a five minute ride. Marten: I’m writing that down.
She strode at a brisk pace, enjoying Middle-earth. It was so different from her home. No cars, just green.
Jereck: Oh damnation, Al Gore is running Middle-Earth!
The perfect place to live.
Sun: The complete lack of indoor plumbing notwithstanding.
Before sundown, she had reached the Prancing Pony. Sighing, Merry knocked.
Marten: (as Merry) The world wearies me, so I sigh. Jereck: (dramatic) Le sigh. “Hello, Mr. Butterbur,” her calm tone gave no hint of the nervousness that currently plagued her.
“Why, hello, there, young missy,” he replied jovially.
Sun: The whole world is one big joke, and Butterbur is the only one who gets it. Jereck: I feel that way all the time. “What can I do for you?’
“I need a horse,” replied Merry tersely. She was wearing her clothes from the last dream or journey. Marten: She didn’t remember which. She did laundry so infrequently. Jereck: Cue description!
A green tunic, deerskin leggings, a black belt, and soft, light shoes were the main points of her attire. A pouch hung on the belt and she carried a bow. A quiver was slung pell-mell
Marten: Look out!
across her back and a long elven knife hung alongside the pouch. Merry’s raven hair stream out behind her (the wind was blowing),
Sun: I assumed that Butterbur had belched. Jereck: That’s disgusting. and she looked very much an elf. Only her ears, rounded without pointed tips, marked her as otherwise.
Marten: They all wanna look like elves... Sun: In spite of the fact that this would make them distrusted throughout much of Middle-Earth.
“We have those in Bree, but not here,” said Butterbur.
Sun: What?! I buy all my stock at the inn, don’t you? “Do you know where to find one for sale, then, sir?”
“Yes, m’dear,” the portly innkeeper smiled, “I do.”
Marten: He's a literal fellow, old Butterbur.
“Could you show me or tell me?”
“I can’t come myself, but I’ll send Bob.”
Sun: (as Butterbur) There’s no way I’d be seen in public with you. He turned and yelled inside, “Bob! You woolly-footed slowcoach! Where are you? Come on out to the front!”
A young hobbit in his tweens came rushing out.
Jereck: No labor laws in Bree, I guess.
“Yes, Mr. Butterbur?” he said quickly.
“Show this lady where the ‘for-sale’ horses are.
Jereck: They apparently don’t use the words livery or stable in Middle-Earth.
She wants one.”
“Yes, sir. Right away, sir.” Bob beckoned to Merry and trotted off.
Sun: …a cliff.
Smiling, she followed.
All: Woohoo! There were several choices for the girl. Short, stocky ponies; huge, well-built warhorses; light, fine-boned palfreys; and old, worn out carthorses were included in the selection.
All: Warhorses? In Bree?!
Merry viewed it with surprise.Warhorses? In Bree? she wondered.
Jereck: (>_<) I hate to say it, but - Marten: Then don’t. Sun: What were we saying about self-awareness? She walked up and down the row of horses, checking their legs, teeth and backs. Some were sway-backed and had saddle sores, but most did not.
Jereck: What was the purpose of that last line? Marten: You're the writer, you tell me.
The last on the row, a blue roan mare, champed her hay nervously. She was tall with a nice conformation. Her eye flashed suspiciously as Bob came near. Merry had stopped to stare.
Marten: At a shiny piece of glass.
“I’ll take her,” she said aloud.
“You sure, m’lady?” asked the hobbit.
Marten: (as hobbit) What do you want with the piece of glass?
“Yes. How much?”
Marten: (as hobbit) Free if you’ll leave.
“Twelve silver pennies.”
Jereck: Holy crap, we gotta go buy horses in Bree!
Merry winced, but dug in her pouch, “There you go,” she replied, handing him the money.
Sun: Where’d she steal that? Marten: Why is she paying the hobbit?
“Do you want a saddle?”
“No, Bob. This halter and rope will be enough.” Merry took riding lessons in her town and was an accomplished horsewoman.
Marten: What’s that? Trait 5? Jereck: Why don’t you write that number out? Sun: What kind of riding lessons don't include a saddle?! Bob untied the mare and passed her the lead rope.
Sun: (Bob) Careful, it’s quite heavy. Jereck: (to Sun) You know that’s not what it says.
“Good luck with her, ma’am.”
“Thank you, Bob,” Merry said and used a post to climb on the mare. With a soft-spoken elvish word, they were off.
Jereck: (Merry, in 'elvish') Muffin.
“I think I’ll call you Azul,” Merry whispered to the mare. “My name is Meredith Lee Wood. Or Merry L. Wood, as I have been called. I prefer Merry.”
Jereck: (as Tulio) Merry, you’re talking to a horse! There’s no way she understands.
The mare snorted her indifference.
Sun: I'm with the horse on this one.
“I am not sure how to get to Mirkwood, so I better head to Rivendell,” mused Merry aloud. “Forth to Imladris!”
Azul picked up speed, and soon they were far away.
Jereck: Five frickin’ minutes…
The mare would have been content with a gallop, but Merry urged her on continually. Jereck: Ludicrous speed!
There was no telling how fast the fan-girls would move, and once they found news of Legolas, he was dead meat.
Sun: I think she’s over estimating the fan-girls just a little. Jereck: Maybe, but those little bloodsuckers are like homing pigeons. Unless, of course, Merry was able to warn him in time. She could only hope she would.
(3. Twins) Disclaimer: Must I keep telling you people that I don’t ownThe Lord of the Rings?
If I did, I wouldn’t be writing this. I’d be talking to Orlando Bloom or Viggo Mortensen. Hmmmmm, which is cuter? Sorry. Now, on with the fanfic.
Sun: I would almost prefer she went on debating.
Elrohir and Elladan were on a hunting trip. It was nice to get away from Rivendell just to have fun and not be on an errand from Elrond. Yawning, Elladan stretched out by the campfire, content.
Marten: Oh how long can this relaxation last. Jereck: Not more than five frickin’ minutes… she’s got a horse now. *whispers* With a name. His brother Elrohir sat nearby, carving a wooden flute.
Jereck: Elrohir used flute! It's super effective!
Elladan was the elder by only half a minute, but he never let Elrohir forget it.Never.
“Why are you carving a flute?”
“I’m not sure, older brother. I have the felling thatsheis coming,” replied Elrohir softly.
Marten: (Elladan) So it’s a poison flute?
“Well, that would be interesting. It seems unlikely, however.”
“So you say,” called a new voice. Merry strode into the clearing, leading Azul.
Marten: *frowning* The elves didn't hear her coming? Jereck: Elrohir was using a chainsaw to carve the flute. “Uruva!” exclaimed Elladan, leaping to his feet and rushing to her.
Sun: ...drawing his sword, while at the command Urava (fire) ten archers loosed shafts, intent on impaling the Sue.
Merry dropped Azul’s rope; the mare would go join the elves’ horses.
Marten: That's an excellent assumption to make with your only mode of transportation.
The excited elf enclosed her in a huge bear hug. Merry’s eyes bulged as he squeezed the life out of her,
and Elrohir stepped in.
“Stop, Elladan. You’ll kill her,” he said, putting his hands on the other elf’s shoulders.
Marten: (Elrohir) Let her use the flute, it will be more fun to watch.
Merry gasped for air as he released her. She had turned blue.
Jereck: *quietly* …dob a dee? Sun: *glares*
“Sorry,” muttered Elladan.
“It’s ok,” she gasped, “just don’t ever, ever, ever do that again. And do you have to call me Uruva?”
“Yes,” answered the twins, laughing, “we have to.
Sun: *robotic* It’s part of our programming.
Besides, it fits you.” Merry scowled, but accepted the fact she could do nothing about it.
“What brings you here, Merry?” asked Elladan, stretched out by the fire once more.
Jereck: (nature documentarian) Elves are lazy creatures that enjoy a warm fireside nap.
“I need to find Legolas,” she said, all mirth forgotten.
“Whatever for?” questioned the elf, sitting up. A look of interest crowned his face.
Marten: What does that look like? Jereck: Like this. *crowns interest upon his face* Marten: Scary. Jereck: It hurts, too.
Elrohir said naught, but continued to carve the flute with renewed vigor.
Sun: *makes chainsaw noises* Marten: (Elrohir muttering) She arrived too bloody soon. “Has Elrond told you how I get into Middle-earth?”
Jereck: (Elladan) And obviously our efforts to fix it have failed.
‘Well, it happened again, only this time I brought someone with me. Some fifteen someones, to be exact.
“Oh, no,” muttered Elrohir, shaking his head.
Sun: (Elrohir) I have only thirteen arrows. ‘Let me do more explaining. Where and when I come from, people reenact things and record them. They recorded some events from Middle-earth. They made several of the characters as good-looking or better-looking as they really are. Some people, girls, mostly, fall in love with these characters and go all crazy about them.”
Jereck: ...said the blind man. Marten: That elf is clueless. “And fifteen of them came with me. I didn’t think they could. I am sooooooooo sorry, guys.”
“It’s ok,” said Elladan smilingly. He didn’t seem worried.
Sun: He had plenty of arrows. “No, it’s not!” Merry ranted. “You have no idea how dangerous fan-girls are!
Marten: Few people do.
They’ve already seen Frodo.
Sun: (Merry) And since I didn't help him, he's probably dead of smooches by now.
You’re lucky that you aren’t in this recording. They don’t know how handsome you two are with your dark hair and gray eyes! For goodness sakes! You’re tall and thin and the sons of Elrond! Plus all that junk,
All: *disgusted* Oh, come on! you’re twins! Do you have any idea what they’d do to you if they knew you existed or even if they met you?
Marten: Whatwouldthey do? Jereck: It's usually just implied that they'll do something terrible and not G-rated. Or even PG.
They could tell that you’re elvish.
Marten: ...and not elven. Run for it, they hate imposters.
Once they realized that, you’d be dead meat!”
“I’d rather be live meat,” replied Elrohir with a smile, “but I can see your point.” The twins could also see that Merry evidently liked their looks. Both preened their egos.
Marten: Do elves stand on one leg to sleep? Jereck: That is such an incredibly strange image. “They do sound terrible,” put in Elladan.
Sun: (Elladan) But they should be good hunting. “Uggh! You two still don’t get it!” yelled Merry in frustration. “Oh, well,” she calmed down, “you will take me to Mirkwood, or wherever Legolas is, won’t you?”
Sun: (Elladan) That’s privileged information. “Of course," said Elladan. Elrohir was carving again
Sun: Now point us in the direction of the fan-gurls you speak of.
“Someone has to go tell Father,” muttered Elrohir without looking up.
Sun: He would hate to miss this hunt. After a few thousand years there’s just nothing to challenge him anymore.
“I will,” Elladan chimed in, standing up. “I have nothing to do here.”
“You’re just bored,” laughed Merry.
“True,” he admitted with a shrug. Elladan could be so annoying, yet no one was ever able to blame him. He was just too cute and enchanting to.
Jereck: I feel charming. It’s alarming how charming I feeeeeelll! So was Elrohir. Merry, however, did notice (and occasionally pointed out) the elven twins’ faults.
Marten: Like any good friend or self-absorbed Sue would.
Now he was gone. Elladan had mounted his black gelding and ridden off. Merry was tired. It had been a hard day.
Jereck: See Merry sleep. Marten: Sleep, Merry. Sleep.
She took Elladan’s vacated spot and relaxed. Sleep claimed her in seconds.
Marten: (Sleep) That’s mine! Elrohir sat long into the night, pondering Merry’s words and carving an elven flute for his you friend.
Jereck: Found her on YouTube methinks.
She looks so innocent and harmless now, he reflected, but she isn’t. More like steel than gossamer. This girl is but a child, yet she dares great deeds. If only- he checked himself.
Marten: (Elrohir) I like the pattern. Black, white, black, white…
It was best not to dwell on what could never be. He hoped Elladan and Merry knew that, too. Never yet had elf married mortal woman. It had always been men and elf-maids.
Marten: It's funny when the story tries to deny it's true purpose.
Yet if Merry stays here, that could very well change, he realized. Sighing softly, Elrohir concentrated once more on the flute.
Magical, melodical music filled Merry’s dreams,
Jereck: Oh Mickey, you’re so fine! You’re so fine you blow my mind…
and with them, new realization came.
Jereck: Pecan pie was not a good substitute for shoes. Of course she loved the sons of Elrond; they were gorgeous and Elves! But, if truth be told, only as older brothers. They looked like her older brothers, too.
Marten: This is the first mention of older brothers. Jereck: Perhaps they were lost in translation?
No, her heart had been given to Legolas long ago.
Jereck: And there it is, folks!
Since she was nine, in fact. Smiling, she stopped thinking, and her dream continued.
Chapter markers, ex. (2. Azul), were added by Jesse Abram. The original contains no chapter markings within the text. Jereck, Marten, and Sun had no way to tell when each chapter started or ended. It was torture.